Who reading this has reacted spontaneously to someone else's comment or action with less than positive results? I know I have. It seems that for many of us, if someone offers criticism, acts unexpectedly, or behaves less than favorably, we react too quickly, not thinking about what we are saying, and possibly cause more damage than good. I have heard it said time and time again that "you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar." It might actually be starting to sink in with me after seeing both sides of the spectrum within close proximity to each other. Now this could be me, but it seems that men seem to act this way more often than women do, but that being said, I have myself seen plenty of women and men "fly of the handle" or "shoot from the hip". It seems that these reactions are totally avoidable if we are cognizant of what is actually going on and take a step back to look at the situation. So I guess before I go on, it would only be fair to highlight the instances I personally dealt with before I speak about this topic in depth. Well, the first was an instance where I decided to use vinegar. To put it simply, a business associate forwarded part of an email that I sent him without my knowledge. The only way I found out was that it was part of the email chain that I was then a recipient of. Needless to say, I wasn't very pleased and lashed out. I virulently sent him another email calling his actions juvenile and tactless which in turn spawned another email from him lashing back. I thought about the whole situation, how stupid it was and how in the long run it really didn't mean that much. A few hours later I called to apologize and to patch everything over. To be honest, it took much more effort and was much more stressful to deal with the vinegar I had thrown than it would have been if I had simply taken a little time and responded much more nicely. A week later, I took a little more time dealing with a different situation and lo and behold, it was much easier to deal with when I acted with honey. With this other situation, I decided to call in my consultant because I felt that if I didn't, I would have snapped and caused more harm than good. This other situation involved an assistant that I brought on for the summer to help with my work load. He showed up an hour late for work, and once there, took almost 3 times as long to do something as it should have. By lunch time I had had it and was ready to send him home without talking to him or anything, I was pissed. Luckily, I consulted my wife, my new trusted advisor in times like these, and she was able to see the larger picture and get me to act differently than I otherwise would have. When my assistant returned from lunch, I had a talk with him and at the end he wanted to know what to do next. I said, "To be honest with you, I want you to go home and get some rest and show up tomorrow ready to work." I explained why and surprisingly to me, for a recent high school graduate, he said to pay him less because it wasn't fair to me that it took him so long to do something. The effects of honey work wonders.
So what about this whole voice of reason? How does it play into acting with honey vs. vinegar? We all need to find that voice of reason within our own lives, either a part of us that can look at things objectively or someone in our lives that we trust who can look at situations objectively for us, calm us down, and get us to act differently. There are many times when we might be able to just step back for a while, look at a situation and see it objectively. I feel that given time, everyone can build their own objective voice of reason within themselves and use it in regards to every relationship that they are involved in. It does not happen over night and with every situation being different, our own voice of reason may at times be difficult to call to attention. Once we can figure out how to step back, cool our virulent tongues, and listen to the rational side of our conscience, we can achieve much greater depth in every relationship we have. There will be times however, when that voice of reason we have within us is hidden so deep or clouded over by the heat of the moment that we can't personally find a rational way of approaching things. This happens to everyone, to some more often than others, but it happens. If we can learn to realize when this is happening and act accordingly, things will turn out better. So how do we act when we can't find that rational voice within ourselves?
I would posit that we would all do well to find a trusted person within our lives that we could call and talk to in order to get that voice of reason we need. For me, it is my wife. She knows how I can fly off the handle, how I don't always look at things objectively. She has a way of looking at things and pointing things out that I often overlook because my judgement is clouded at the time. If it wasn't for her the other day, I might have pissed off my assistant to the point where he didn't show up for work anymore. However, in order to find a trusted person to be a voice of reason for us, we need to be open. Not to belabor the point, but with any person who we consider to be a voice of reason for us, we must have open and honest communication and trust. If we can't honestly communicate with that person, how are we supposed to take what they say and use it in our own personal situation? Furthermore, if we haven't established a deep trust with that person, why would we want to listen to their advice and take it to heart? Communication and trust are major components of any relationship. We can not just find a random person to be our voice of reason. If we randomly call someone on our phone to discuss a problematic situation, we would be less likely to take their advice, a) because they don't know us as closely as a trusted friend or relative and b) because if we don't like their advice, we can hang up and not have to deal with them again.
The voice of reason is a necessary part of our lives; it is that rational part of ourselves or someone else's advice that keeps us in check and keeps us honest and true. I feel that we can truly learn something every day, maybe not knowledge as we know it from books and school, but simply from everyday life. If we can evaluate ourselves honestly and view the world with objective eyes, there are lessons to be learned every day. Yesterday's lesson for me was how important the voice of reason is. The two juxtaposed situations I dealt with showed me what I needed to learn in order to advance myself in life. The important thing is to be open to learning, to be open to exploring different ways of approaching situations and people so that we can improve ourselves and those around us and in the process learn a couple of things. I have, for the better part of my life, learned things the hard way. I have since I was little, dived right into everything, regardless of what others have said, and most times, come out either physically or emotionally hurt. Being physically hurt is not that big of a deal, we heal a lot more quickly and learn more succinctly from physical pain that we often do from emotional. Emotional pain takes a lot longer to heal and the lessons learned or often more painful and longer lasting than those relating to physical pain. But regardless, if we have that voice of reason, either within us or close to us in the form of a friend or relative, then perhaps we can learn more quickly and without inflicting pain on others. Today, if you don't have someone who is your own voice of reason outside of yourself, I urge you to find that person and establish a deep level of trust with them. What we do today affects how we live in the future. Don't create a future of frustration and pain, but rather consult that voice of reason and pave yourself a golden road to walk down.
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