No Expectations

Of the many things I have learned since being a parent, there is one thing that I feel holds sway over everything else, expectations.  Especially in regards to an infant, 3.5 months old to be exact, expectations can be disastrous.  I have found that whenever I begin a day with my son having expectations of how events will unfold or what will happen, most often they get shot down and trampled under foot.  Its never intentional, its just a fact of life.  What I think should happen, or what I would like to happen, is often in direct contradiction with what my son would like to happen.   Its not that he has mastered control of his feelings or his actions at this point, its just the randomness of his day that tends to skew everything else.  Now before I go on, I am not implying that having plans for a day, or for that matter a tentative schedule, are things that should be totally thrown asunder, I am merely implying that to expect a string of events to unfold in a given order is absurd.  Schedules are important, especially to young children, but at 3.5 months old, schedules must be flexible.  To hold an infant to a certain eating schedule is to verge on the insane as most parents will know.  If my son wants to eat at 930 and I think he should eat at 1030, both our lives will be living hell if I try to hold him off for an extra hour.  This is not to say that holding him off a little is a bad thing, but if his demeanor slides towards outright screaming as if the world was coming to an end, he has got to be fed.  (For the record, I have never attempted holding him off for an hour, nor would I want to.)

Releasing one's self from expectations is perhaps the best lesson one can garner from being a parent.  It not only makes life more enjoyable with in infant, it translates exceptionally well to every other area of life.  If we enter into situations with expectations of how things will unfold or how life will present itself, whether it be with an infant or anyone else, we could be setting ourselves up for disappointment.  While events and actions will align with our expectations from time to time, it is not always the case.  I find that when we have expectations, there is a certain rigidity that is implied, and our expectations often times lead us to be less flexible when things go awry.  The inability to be flexible is one of the biggest downfalls when dealing with children as their attention, mentality, and view of life is completely different than an adults'.  As infants, everything can be broken down into a few variables; hungry, dirty diaper, tired, or simply wanting to play and explore.  There is no thought paid to how their actions will affect things later in the day, or how a lack of a nap will cause them to be fussy later on.  There is simply nothing we can do as adults to make them comprehend what we would like them to.  We must simply go with the flow, remain flexible and attentive to their needs, and be willing to alter our schedule to accommodate theirs.  As they grow older, I believe there must be a little more rigidity to their day, but when they are younger, a more flowing, flexible, schedule seems to function best.  

So what does entering into a day without expectations really mean?  To me, it means beginning the day with a personal dedication to deal with each moment as it comes, to deal with each action separately, and to be prepared to change on a whim.   It essentially means we must live in the moment, not considering the future, or the past, but simply be present in the present.  By being attentive to what is occurring around us, we are better able to act upon it and move forward more easily.  It assists in flexibility and our overall ability to deal with surprises.  If we can come to see surprises as a blessing rather than a curse, our days will be much more enjoyable, especially if we are watching children.  I find that over the course of watching our son, I have become more flexible and accommodating than I used to be.  I can see how some people would want to fight it, to maintain their old ways and hold their children to their schedule, but until children reach an age when they can comprehend the schedule and adopt the schedule as their own, it is futile to hold them to a schedule and our expectations for them.  Infants develop according to their own time frame, and live each day according to what their body tells them.  As such, we must seek constantly to be in tune with them and their needs if we are to make it successfully through a day with ripping our hair out.  Luckily, I have not pulled any of my hair out yet.  I find it enjoyable to enter each day with our son not knowing what it will hold.  Do I have certain things I want to do with him?  Yes, but they don't always happen when I would like them to, and you know what, I am perfectly fine with that.  To me, expectations are gone, replaced with only the here and now.