Reading the title, you might think, "what the hell is this guy talking about childhood molestation for?" Rest assured, its not about me or anyone I know, but rather about the issue in general and the explosion over the last few years about how wide spread and devastating it can be. Just over this past weekend, there was another revealing story in the NY Times Magazine that dealt with childhood molestation once again, this time in an elite NY City private school. Whether it is in schools, churches, synagogues, camps, or in the homes of children themselves, the number of cases just keeps going up. To be honest with you, it is quite frightening to read about all these stories and then think about my son who is 8 months old and what the future could hold for him. I can only hope and pray that he will never be the victim of someone else's insecurity and predation. On the plus side, with all the stories getting exposed over the past decade of childhood molestation taking place seemingly everywhere, perhaps it will start to decline. The statistics regarding childhood molestation are not comforting despite any trends in society. 1 in 6 children have been or will be molested at some point. 1 in 6? Those odds aren't that good as it means that more children will be molested than will die during childbirth, than will get struck by lightning, or than will get hit by a car while walking across the street. Personally, I would rather have any of the latter happen to myself than to have been a victim of childhood molestation (which luckily I wasn't). That number, 1 in 6, also means that whoever is reading this probably knows someone who has been a victim.
So why has childhood molestation been such an issue? Going further, why are these stories coming to light decades after the abuse happened? To tackle the first question, we must look at who the majority of perpetrators are; men. One theory that I heard within the past month made a lot of sense to me and while not the only theory out there, seems to be one that can explain most of the cases. To start with, we must look first at the culture that men have been living in for a long time and to a certain extent, still do. That culture is one that values stoicism, non-emotion, and non-sharing of personal information. If you look back, men were once held as the bread-winners for the family, the ones who went to work, made the money, came home and did it all over again the next day. In that culture, a man was supposed to be strong despite the circumstances and "have his s*#t together". How many men actually had it together, had life figured out, and were able to fully live? Speaking from personal experience, probably not many. I have never had my life completely together and probably never will. Yet the changing difference in the culture now and the culture even a decade ago is that men were not expected to share anything with others at all. Men were supposed to keep their emotions to themselves and deal with everything on their own. Even today, that culture is slow to change. There still seems to be this pervasive feeling that men can't share with other men, or women. Keeping emotions bottled up inside is never good. When those emotions and feelings are bottle up inside for a long time, they become toxic and begin to prey upon one's psyche and their mental state. For some, those toxic emotions are released in the form of molestation, especially upon children who are vulnerable and capable of being twisted and persuaded to do what the perpetrator wants. Does this explanation suit every instance of childhood molestation? There is a good chance that it doesn't yet I feel it is the basis for many a case. And just because it explains the possible causes that lead to childhood molestation doesn't mean it excuses the behavior that as it turns out, many men have engaged in.
What is even worse is that the damage is so sever to a child that reports of abuse and molestation usually don't get revealed for a long time. That in and of itself makes it that much harder to combat this issue. If we are just now finding out about cases that occurred in the 60's, 70's and 80's, how are we to help those that have been affected? The short answer is that we can't; we can only try and change the culture through which this has happened and try to prevent future cases from occurring. These days there is much more transparency in public and private institutions when it comes to abuse, molestation, or anything else along those lines. Yet that doesn't prevent this from happening in the home or in a setting that is not exposed to public scrutiny. It would seem that the main avenue for combating this is to teach our children how to properly deal with their emotions and feelings. This means both the mother and the father taking an active role in raising their children, not just the mother. Boys can only learn so much about emotions and feelings from their mother. Inevitably, they look first to their fathers as a role model and an image of what it means to be a man. If the father is not in touch with his emotions, keeps them hidden, and doesn't convey them; than his son will most likely adopt those same qualities and nothing will change. This doesn't mean that everyone who is not in touch with his/her emotions will become a predator or child molester, but it doesn't improve the odds at all. None of this will change over night, yet we can only hope that over the next decade or so that the culture does begin to change, child molestation cases decline, and men can begin to tap into their emotions and begin to communicate them more freely both to other men and to women. It will not be easy, but it can be done. Well, enough with the depressing topic for today, but it needs to be discussed and acted upon. Till tomorrow, lets all take some time to look at ourselves and how we deal with our own emotions and feelings.
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