Its only Wednesday and it feels like it should be Saturday with myself laying fast asleep in bed. Alas, it is not. This week has been emotionally draining and trying for me. I could say its been an emotional roller coaster ride, but that would normally imply that you can see the ups and downs coming before you get to them. My experience has led me to feel as if this week so far has been more akin to walking a catwalk greased with butter, no handrails, and no light. Every step forward brings with it uncertainty. I never know if there will be a small pebble lodged in the butter, waiting for my foot to step improperly and send me tumbling into the chasm below. The little annoyances that are normally easily brushed aside sting more now. With all my effort focused on moving forward, essentially blind, I can't see the little pin pricks and mosquito bites advancing in the dark. Sometimes, it is all I can do to just pause and gather myself together before proceeding, unknowing. Thus far, I haven't fallen off yet, despite my desire at points to just give up and jump. I know the end is somewhere, I just haven't found it yet. Unfortunately, this catwalk of emotional fluctuations will probably continue for some time before vastly improving, the lights slowly coming back on and the grease thinning somewhat. What has led to this precarious walk I dare to take on every day, rising from my bed not knowing how the day will end? It is a confluence of different events that has thrown my emotional life asunder. If you read my blog somewhat regularly, you will know that my grandmother was placed into a short term care facility late last week due to her rapidly advancing dementia. That was the event that turned off the lights and greased the catwalk for me. On top of that, my son has been a little trying lately and on top of dealing with my grandmother, it has taken all my effort to remain cool, calm, and collected amidst the turmoil.
I went to go see my grandmother Monday evening on my way home from work. Luckily, it was a good day for her and she remembered my name upon entering the room. She didn't look particularly well just after a few days in the place. Her skin is starting to sag a little more and she is losing some of the vivacity from her eyes and muscles. Despite the fact that she is mentally deteriorating, she was in relatively good spirits and her voice was still filled with pep and vigor (as much as can be expected for a woman in her early 90's). Yet, despite the good signs, there were many more that indicated she was rapidly losing her wits and her mental capacity. She couldn't figure out who a picture of my son and I was even with me in the room until I pointed out that it was in fact me in the picture. Before that even happened, she forgot that she had a little photo album in her nightstand. In fact, she thought someone had hidden it on her when it was in plain sight as soon as you opened the drawer. While there, her dinner arrived with one of her favorite fruits as a side dish, apricots. That one fruit got her started on a story from her childhood in which a house she lived in had an apricot tree as well as a one or two cherry trees (depending on which version of the story you believe). Once she got started on that story, it was like hitting the repeat button on a CD player, the story kept on getting retold and retold, probably 8 times at least. Each time, there were different facts added or changed in the story. Towards the end of the story, she would trail off, only to return to the beginning, starting with her apricot tree that her parents had in the front yard. I want to believe that the story is true, only because I have heard parts of it before her dementia take hold, however, I can't know if all the facts are true anymore or if they are just being mixed in from other experiences that she has had. To see a tough woman, still largely full of life (albeit a different life now), reduced in mental capacity to where she is now is hard. Having much time to think about it, I think the part that makes it the hardest is the fact that some of the first memories I have are with her when she was watching me while my mother still worked. Overall, it was good to spend time with her while she still knew who I was. The hardest part for me was saying "I love you" to her when I was leaving, not knowing if the next time I see her it would be me or me "the stranger" saying "I love you" to her.
Having my grandmother decline is the hardest issue I am currently dealing with. It seems to occupy most of my thoughts throughout the day which makes it even harder to deal with anything else that comes up. Which brings me to my son and the day off I had with him yesterday. With all the reading we have done on parenting, what to expect, how children develop, and so on and so forth, we have come to the conclusion that our son is quickly moving into the crankiness of an 18 month old at 13 months. This could either be an indication that he is developmentally advanced or that by the time he reaches 18 months he will be a veritable terror. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, just right now he is trying. He is getting to the point where he wants to get his hands on everything and if we don't get it for him (which we don't), he starts getting fussy. On top of that, he is teething again. On top of that, he wants to get picked up, then put down, then picked up, then put down ad nauseum. After most of the day trying to keep my cool and not get frustrated, I finally found a solution that worked to keep from getting overly worked up. It involves holding him (which gets tiring as he is getting heavier) and telling him about everything he points at and wants to touch. I have been literally describing everything in our house to him and if the object is not dangerous, letting him touch and feel it. It works, it is just draining physically and emotionally draining to be "present" to him and not let anything else cloud my time with him. Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days I have spent alone with him. I know its not going to get easier, I will just have to adapt and proceed. All in all, I still greatly enjoyed spending the day with him, it was just different than normal and more taxing. There are other little issues that pop up day in and day out that tax me even further, but for the most part, it is the big things that are draining me. I am writing this not to get sympathy, but partly in an effort to sort through what I am dealing with in hopes that I can put some of it behind me as I proceed through my day. We shall see what today brings, hopefully for me, it will be a good day.
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