Drained but Persisting

Let me be perfectly honest, life ain't easy. Yet, I don't feel like I should be complaining about it.  Every time I think I have a right to complain or bitch about something, I think of all the people out there who have it much worse than I do.  People who are struggling to put food on the table, people who don't have family to support them, people who are the victims of violence and hatred, people who are dealt setback after setback and still get up.  I just have different struggles right now, which at times seem enormous and insurmountable, but deep inside I know everything will be ok.  It's interesting how a lack of sleep and emotional fortitude can chip away at the foundation of who you are, seeking to undermine your very stability.  I feel that way at times right now.  Every time I fell sound asleep last night I was woken up by my alarm to go test my son's blood sugar.  I would have it no other way, but damn, this shit ain't easy.  That lack of sleep also has a tendency to erode confidence and persistence, the very thing I need right now.  However, I keep on going back to what we are telling our son in his struggle to understand his new condition and the life change it means for him.  At 5 years old, he is asking if this is forever, will he need his shots forever, he doesn't want them anymore, he doesn't want to go back to school.  There is also a flip side to him which is his return to his normal, jovial, comedic self which pulls up those around him.  In those hard times with the questions and looming shots of insulin, we tell him we are taking it one day at a time, one shot at a time and that the past and future don't matter.  The only thing that matters is the present and getting through the moment right now without worrying about the next time.  I think back to almost a month ago now when I buried my Baba with my family and the eulogy I gave which exhorted the idea of living in the present, not dwelling in the past or the future which does not exist except within our minds.  I have to keep on telling myself that right now because the moment I forget about the present, the demons of insecurity come flooding back.  And here I thought I was partially immune to that.  Guess not.  This is not just a curveball for our son, but for our family, and while I know we will get through it, it will take some time to get adjusted to the newness of it, the stark reality of counting every single carb that our son ingests, and ensuring that a strict schedule is kept so that he remains healthy.  And yet, not all is dismal and depressing, for depressed I am not, just tired and cranky.  I am grateful for so many things and for situations that allow me to be present for my family.  Luckily, I work for myself and can adjust my schedule as need be.  That alone isn't easy and if I worked for someone else or a large corporation I feel might bring even more stress upon me.  I do, however, feel bad for my customers who have to, in part, deal with my situation as I can't devote a full normal workday to their project.  That being said, my customers are generally understanding and flexible.  Me being me, I want to do what's right for everyone and find that there is less and less time to do all the things I need to do.  Balance will come, its just elusive right now.  I am also grateful for my family who has been supportive of us and been there to help as we need right now.  So for all the struggles there currently are, there are positives around every corner.  With a tired body and mind, those positives just aren't always perfectly clear and present, sometimes elusive and shadowy.  Life goes on, today is Saturday and this shall be my focus.