Relationship Basics

Relationships, be they marriage or friendships are a fundamental part of our everyday life.  We engage in many different relationships every day, yet none is more important than the person we are married (or engaged) to.  Some people may not have gotten to that point in their lives yet, some may never want to get there, but it is still important to understand how to improve any relationship.  Lets focus on marriage here.  It is an unfortunate fact that a good number of marriages will fail within 7 years.   For some reason, 7 seems to be the number.  Lets start with a little comparison; take a look at your favorite hobby or activity, i.e. golf, philosophy, backpacking, etc.  How many books have you read on the topic you are interested in?  How many do you have in your library.  (I myself have at least 20 books on philosophy).  Now, how many books do you have on relationships?   (I have 3).  There is a whole section in bookstores that is specifically devoted to relationships.  Often times, people struggle through, not taking the time to do a little reading and figure out how to improve their relationship.  I don't have all the answers, but I know one constant that is a necessity for any relationship to succeed.  Communication.  If you look at your business relationships, they are absolutely dependant on communication to survive.  With a lack of communication, a company would disintigrate, employees doing what they thought was correct, but inevitably leading to demise.  The same holds true with relationships.  If we don't spend time talking to our spouse, we begin to make assumptions about what the other wants or needs and often times these assumptions are incorrect.  The other night I was talking to a guy at darts and he was complaining about his wife, citing issues and differences.  That night in particular they had gotten into an argument (over something stupid as he indicated) that escalated to the point where she broke down crying.  What was his response?  He left the house because he didn't want to deal with the her emotions.   It seems that men avoid emotional breakdowns and discussions of topics that seem trivial.  Often times, these trivial issues, if not addressed, will build and build adding negative energy to a relationship.   If discussed early, these issues are often times fairly simple to resolve, but if left to simmer, the issues will build, making a resolution more difficult to achieve often including a heightened emotional response.   Regardless of who you are, we generally regard these trivial issues as differences that will resolve themselves.  We justify not communicating by saying to ourselves, "I can deal with it", or "He/She will probably change if I give it enough time."   If we don't voice our concerns or aggravations, how is the other person to know that we have concerns or aggravations?   In voicing our concerns and aggravations, we must do so with respect for the other.  Often times at the beginning of my relationship with my wife, both of us would voice our concerns bluntly or let them fester.  We would say, "I don't like how you are doing this,"  or "it really pisses me off when you do that."  What was our response, getting defensive and shutting down.   Since then, we have learned how to address each other so that we can have a conversation about our little issues.  

Communication is not always easy.  It must be something that we work on every day in order to build trust and understanding with others.  Take some time during dinner or breakfast and find out how your loved one is doing.  There are many distractions out there that offer us an out when it comes to communication, the internet, tv, work.   We can easily slide into a habit of eating in front of the tv, or going into the office to work instead of spending time talking to each other.  A simple way to start is to make dinner together.  Food is something that I believe almost every person loves, so why not start there?  Make dinner every evening together and talk about your days.  If you don't work the same schedules, time must be found somewhere to devote to your relationship.  Every relationship needs energy from both partners if it is to succeed whether its negative or positive.  It is up to us to decide what energy we instill into a relationship.  We if don't actively work to build positive energy between us, you can be sure that negative energy will enter in.  We may not notice the negative energy at first, but it will build if left unchecked and be much harder to deal with at a later date.  I firmly believe that every relationship can succeed if enough effort is put in.  As with golf, riding a bike, running, working out;  the more time you devote to them, the more you will improve.  If more people devoted as much time to their relationships as they did to other activities, the divorce rate or overall failure of relationships would be drastically cut down. 

We can all improve the relationships we are in.  They are a constantly evolving phenomenon because we as humans are an ever evolving species.  Our needs and desires change, day to day, year to year.  None of us remain the same.  Our core values may stay intact, but our desires our ever shifting.  The person we married will not be the same person 7-10 years down the road.  We may change jobs or shift interests and we must communicate these changes to the people we love.  If we don't tell them, how are they to know what we are going through.  I encourage everyone to take an extra 10 minutes every day to sit down with your loved and talk.  Ask them how THEY are doing and what you can do to help them out.  Focus on them instead of you, you know what you need, but do you know what they need?  Lets cut the divorce rate in this country and make a difference.  Smile, for if you are reading this, you woke up today and that is where we all must start.