I am fairly certain that most people reading this know that the divorce rate in this country is close to or higher than the percentage of those who actually stay married. While it is easy to disregard this phenomenon if no one around you is getting divorced, the moment you start to hear of friends or relatives start to go through the process, it becomes real and tangible. I find it disturbing only in the sense that if you are getting married, you should realize what exactly you are getting yourself into and be willing to work on that marriage to keep it alive and vibrant. Yet, more and more people view marriage not as a life long commitment based upon mutual respect for one another and willingness to meet in the middle, but rather from a selfish standpoint more along the lines of "what can they do for me once we are married?" Of late, one friend of mine who has been married the same amount of time that I have, is currently going through a separation and most likely a divorce. To be perfectly honest, there was a part of me that, from the beginning, thought that they would either end up in this predicament, or one or both would be miserable throughout their marriage. I just never like my friend's wife, thought there was something "off" about her, and while hoping for the best for them, always feared the worst. Unfortunately, the worst is now playing itself out. She thought that she would be able to change things she didn't like about him, and when that didn't happen, she flew the coop. I feel for my friend. While I know that he can be an ass, I also know that he tried to make the marriage work. She, on the other hand, did not. I don't know if things could have played out differently, but for his sake, I am kind of glad that they worked out the way they did. Sometimes, despite the best intentions of making a marriage work, perhaps divorce is the best thing sometimes, as long as both, or at least one of the couple, learn from it. After my friend separated from his wife, he was lamenting that he just lost 4 years of his life. I viewed it differently. I asked, "Did you have good times with your wife?" Response, "yes". To which I said something along the lines of, then learn from it, keep those memories of the good times, and move on. I just hope he actually does learn from it.
Then there is another one of my friends, a good friend, who being married for just under a year, is already having issues. Unlike the first scenario, I like his wife and think they are a good fit for each other. They both have control issues they need to work through, but I think they can do it. So far, in their case, there has been no divorce, although the topic has been raised unfortunately. It has even gotten to the point, within a year of marriage, that they have moved back in with their respective parents, taking a break from each other. They have both since moved back into their house, yet they still have some work to do I fear. As in the first case above, it comes down to issues of control and trying to control the other person in the relationship. While marriage unifies two people, it does not imply that they must change everything about themselves in order to satisfy each other. Rather, it means that they must start working together to understand each other in a deeper way. It means understanding the differences between them and coming to terms with them. We can not force other people to change, it never works out beneficially. However, through communication and discussion with our significant other we reach an understanding of why it would be beneficial to change some of our behavior, then that is the time we should change ourselves. I only hope that they deepen their communication with each other and work through whatever difficulties that they are having. Marriage is not an easy thing to keep alive and growing. It needs constant attention and help to ensure that it lasts. Marriage is a commitment to another person in which we say we will work with them, live with them, and love them. All of that takes work. We must constantly communicate, share ourselves in deeper and deeper ways to the point where we blend who we are into one. While we may start out as two uniquely different people and will keep that uniqueness, there is a point where the line between one person and another begin to blend, a point where we truly see that we are unified in a deeper way than just a social contract saying we are "married". It takes time, it takes effort, but in the end, I believe, it is worth it.
And yes, there is a third friend of mine, not necessarily close, but a friend nonetheless, who got divorced a couple of years ago. Much to my surprise, I just found out about it this past Thursday. I can't speak to his marriage or any of the issues that he had. All I know is that he is a very nice guy. I never met his wife, yet I know he has two teenage daughters. I was saddened by the news when I heard it and could never have seen that coming. Yet, such is the American life these days. People get married, they start off strong, they have kids, communication breaks down, and unfortunately for many, they end up divorced. I am fairly positive that my marriage will survive. I only say this because both of us frequently remind each other that we need to set aside time to talk, and we actually do. We take days to ourselves to go out and spend time with each other and almost every day we talk about our lives, how they are going, and where we want to be down the road. We already see ourselves growing old with each other and I hope that vision never fades. So far, in the four years we have been married, our marriage has just grown stronger. Yes, we have had the arguments, the disagreements, yet we have always moved past them and formed a deeper relationship because of them. They have taught us the necessity of frequent communication and time to ourselves. As much as we love our son, he will be out of our house in approximately 20 years. I plan on staying married much longer than that and if we are to have a successful marriage, we must stay focused on ourselves and keeping our marriage strong despite the fact that we have our wonderful child to raise, and in February, our second child. Will things get more difficult, possibly, but I feel that if we keep on the track we are currently on, we can move past anything that comes at us. I only wish that more people who are married would see what we see and work harder to keep their marriages alive. Maybe they do and nothing can save the marriage, I don't know. But with more and more people getting divorced, there must be something that is breaking down.
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