The Bite of Sarcasm

I come from a family that has sarcasm running through its veins.  From what I knew when I was little, sarcasm was supposed to be funny.   But as funny as many people think it is, it also has an underlying bite that I didn't realize existed for many years.  When I was growing up, if a sarcastic comment was directed at me, I threw one right back, creating a volley of comments that sooner or later faded out leaving people to move on with their lives.  But do people really just move on after dealing with sarcasm?  At this point in my life, I would have to say no.  A younger and more naive me would have said that it was nothing, it was just part of life, and wouldn't think about it.  But when you learn what the root cause of sarcasm is, it gets easier to see sarcasm not as a funny comment, but more as an outburst intended to make the giver of the comment feel better about him or herself.  So where does sarcasm come from?  Sarcasm stems from hurt of some sort, whether it be physical or emotional.  It doesn't really matter what the hurt is or where it came from, for any hurt can manifest itself into sarcastic comments.  So if people are hurt or marginalized in some way, why do they resort to sarcastic comments, or to put it more plainly, little insults thrown out at others?  To me, it speaks of an inability to deal with the hurt that they are feeling and a desire to keep others from seeing that hurt within them.  Sarcasm essentially keeps people away from each other.  It is also a wall thrown up to hide behind, so that the sarcastic person doesn't have to deal as personally with others. 

So why am I talking about sarcasm today?  Probably because I have begun to notice it more and more when it occurs, especially within my own family.  I am not perfect and will never say that I don't slip into former habits of keeping others away with sarcasm.  I still do from time to time.  The difference now is that I immediately recognize when I have slipped up and wish that I can take my words back.  There was a time when I didn't care and wouldn't be sorry for anything that I said.  It seems getting older does have a way of making you wiser if you are open to it.  Now, more often than not, when I see a person being overly sarcastic, I feel sorry for them because I see through the wall they are throwing up to the hurt they are harboring within them.  The problem arises that, while I can recognize when people are hurt, sarcasm has a way of keeping people out and preventing them from getting close enough to help the other person.  Sarcasm, in a way, is an isolationist tool.  It tells everyone around that they are fully capable of dealing with life themselves and any attempt to help will be slapped away.  The ironic part is that while they may attempt to portray themselves as fully capable of dealing with whatever hurt they are experiencing, those around them see how incapable they really are of dealing with it. 

If you regularly deal with sarcasm, either on the giving or receiving end, it can be hard to recognize how truly hurtful sarcastic comments are.  They can dig at your past, your imperfections, your personality, or really anything about you.  To be able to move past the sarcastic comments without throwing them back takes a certain amount of strength and also comfort with one's self.  If you are not comfortable with who you are and someone directs a sarcastic comment towards you, you will most likely have the gut reaction to lash right back.  Yet this never solves anything, it only serves to drive a wedge in any relationship.  Sarcasm, if perpetuated, will continually keep people apart to the point where they stay apart.  In a family, this is never a good outcome.  We rely on family to help us navigate through life, to be there to help support us, to reach out to in times of need.  If we divide our family with sarcasm, where are we left in the end?  It would seem to me that we are left to fend for ourselves.  If we push ourselves to this point, drive people away from us, and then seek to deal with our issues, what happens when we can't deal with them?  Do we go running back to the family we pushed away?  Its a vicious circle that never ends well.  Luckily, the sarcasm I knew when I was younger was never long lasting (as far as I know), but I can see the tendency to perpetuate it.  What is needed is a realization of the hurt that sarcasm causes and the wedge it drives between people.  I have seen it and I have tried my best to move away from it.  I am sure that sarcasm will creep back into my life from time to time, but for the most part, I try and avoid it.  I think we would all do well to try and avoid it so we can heal the hurt within and draw others closer to us instead of driving them farther away.