Becoming a Father

For any of you who care or are affiliated with a specific political party, another Republican debate was on last night.  Personally, as an independent, it makes no difference to me at this point because I have no say in choosing who will be running for president.  Therefore, I will not talk about that, but rather, about becoming a father as I am only a few weeks away from that exciting event.  I have gone through such a wide array of emotions from the start that it seems every week brings something new to mentally deal with.  When I first found out my wife was pregnant, I went through a short period of shock, disbelief if you will, and questioned the validity of the pregnancy test.  After all, we were planning to wait a little bit longer before attempting to have a child.  But, the shock was short lived and it was soon followed by uncertainty and a slight sense of fear.  The fear came mostly out of the money side of the whole thing.  How would we be able to afford a new addition to our family?  We already had two dogs and a cat, but a child would cost a lot more.  And I guess the uncertainty came from questioning myself as to if I was really ready (as if I had a choice.)   Thinking about it though, none of these fears or concerns really mattered and if I made them matter, then I would be doing a disservice to my future child and wife by not trusting in our ability to raise our child.  

Then life coasted along again, my wife wasn't showing much, there was no movement by the child at that early stage, and despite the extreme exhaustion my wife felt, life had pretty much returned to normal.  It wasn't until I first heard the baby's heart beat that I got really excited.  Having no tangible way of seeing the growth of the child or feeling it inside me, this was the closest I could come at that point to hearing my child.  For those of you who have never been through the process, words can only go so far in explaining the feeling that one goes through when you first hear the heartbeat.   And since then, I have been excited to meet our child, to hold that child in my arms and welcome him or her into this world.  It is amazing to see the baby kick, to see it move around inside my wife, a life (a little alien if you will) that is constantly changing, developing, and most of all growing.   And as the time closes in now, the excitement has not abated, but rather it has increased.  With that excitement, however, has come moments of realization about how my life is about to change.  Simply the fact that I am going to be responsible for another human being, its growth and education, is a challenging notion for me.  As much as I say I am ready, there is still a part of me that is scared; scared that I will do things improperly, act the wrong way, not do enough, do to little.  I know that I shouldn't dwell on these things, but they creep in when you least expect it and challenge your notions of fatherhood that you think you have ironed out so well. 

The other realization, not as momentous of one, but a realization nonetheless is the fact that my daily life will change drastically.  I know it will be for the better, but coming to terms with the fact that every aspect of my life as I know it will be tweaked, is partly a sobering moment.  We all work so hard to get into a rhythm in life, a process in which we know the end result (or think we do), and move through each day on a certain path.  To have it all flipped and tweaked can be challenging to deal with and I don't think any amount of preparing can truly get you ready for it.  As much as I say that change is good, it can be frightening at times, the unknown thrusting itself on your doorstep and demanding that you confront it can be off putting.  The only benefit I have is the nine months of pregnancy to prepare for it.  Have I prepared?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I have mentally prepared myself, but doubts still creep in.  I think the best thing I can do, or for that matter anyone can do, is to forge ahead and confront the change with open arms.  I think that regardless of how much I prepare, how many times I go through things in my head, that I will still not account for everything.  In part, I am glad that I can't prepare for everything because life for all of us is constantly changing, this just happens to be a much larger change than most. 

Regardless of the doubts and fears that I still have, the excitement at this point drowns out everything else.  There is nothing like waiting for your child that you helped create to enter this world.  Perhaps the most exciting part is to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  I have no expectations about it, I just want a healthy baby, and if its constant movement is any indication, it will be.  I have not freaked out about bringing a child into this world as some people do, and perhaps some people would say that I am too laid back about it, but what is getting all worked up about it going to accomplish?  Nothing in my mind.  Our baby will enter this world, we will bring it home, and we will raise it, simple as that.  All the little stuff that is thrust upon us along the way is just life's minor obstacles that we must deal with, nothing more.  If we provide our child with a safe, warm, loving environment, then that is really all it needs.  Nothing is perfect in this world and to try and create a perfect world for a child to enter into is man's folly.   Only a few weeks to go and not everything in our house is perfect, nor will it ever be, but it will be safe and warm.  Am I excited, absolutely.  My daily thoughts are almost entirely consumed with my child, what it will look like, and the anticipation of holding it in my arms.  Nothing else really matters, not my realizations or my doubts, or my feeble attempts at preparation.  The only thing that matters now is that I love my child.