Since my son was born last Tuesday, I have been trying to sort out exactly how it feels to be a new father, to hold a precious child in my arms, to have created a new life with my wife and to have brought him into this world. So far, words have largely eluded my leaving me with the simple statement that it feels amazing. I don't know if there are words that can be applied to the experience. While happening almost a week ago now, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was coaxing my son out of the womb and laying him on my wife's chest. She did all the hard work and she is an amazing woman for what she did. I was there throughout the entire process and would have not wanted to be anywhere else. It was such a transformation that came over me.
When I woke up last Monday morning, I had no idea that it was going to be the day of waiting and coaching, waiting and coaching. I had gotten up at four that morning to find my wife already awake for a couple of hours. Except for a few hours on Monday where I was able to sneak a little bit of work in during a lull, I was by her side the entire time. When we got to the hospital at 1030 Monday night, I was already getting tired, not of the process, just physically tired. Once at the hospital, we were both able to catch a few minutes of sleep here and there during the down times, not enough to get rejuvenated, but enough to keep us both going. By 4 on Tuesday morning, when it turns out we were only a few hours out from meeting our son, I had immense trouble keeping my eyes open. There were times I found myself dozing while standing by my wife's side. When our son started crowning, any tiredness that I felt, any physical exhaustion, vanished. It felt like I had just woken up, the adrenaline was surging through my body, speeding reality up, hastening the moment when I could meet our son. The whole process was amazing, but perhaps the greatest part was seeing our son's head emerge and being told by the midwife to grab hold and pull him out. I admit now, I floundered a little, so unsure of what to do. I grabbed hold of my son's shoulders and head, coaxed him out, and placed him on my wife's chest. Even though we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl, I didn't even think to look at that point. My main concern was not dropping him. As soon as he was fully out, he took a breath and my adrenaline surged even more. It was not until the nurse and midwife asked what the baby was that my wife picked him up and announced that he was a boy. It was truly incredible.
As much as I try to put words to the experience now, I feel that they will always fall short. There are some moments in life that elude description. Maybe in a few weeks I will be better able to describe the event, but there is part of me that just wants to remember it for it was, an amazing miracle. I was utterly transfixed by the transformation that the human body can make when giving birth to a baby. As much as I was told how amazing it was by other father's and parents, you never really understand till you are standing there how much a defining moment it is in a person's life. There was nothing else in the world that could have dragged me away from that experience. I wouldn't have cared if a meteor was about to obliterate our planet; I would still want to be right by my wife's side.
Now that our son has been welcomed into this world, I don't want to leave his side. I take every opportunity to hold him in my arms, to stare into his bright blue eyes, to read him stories, and to simply make sure he is OK. Nothing else really seems to matter as much anymore. Whenever my mind starts to get filled with worries about what I have to do in terms of work or anything else, it always goes back to my son. Fatherhood is such a blessing, added responsibility yes, but a blessing above all else. There is no sense in worrying how things will turn out, I am sure that they will turn out great. The most important thing at this point is to enjoy every second of every day. When I was younger, I always heard adults say how time flies. Before my son was born, I started to understand it a little more. Now its hit me how precious time is, every second of it and how it shouldn't be wasted. Perhaps time flies so quickly because we fill our lives with useless activities when all that really matters is being with family, especially a family with a new addition like our son. There is still a divide I feel, a pull by the world to worry about work, money, and all the trivialities that come along with them; and a pull by family, the more important aspect, to simply be, spend time with each other, and enjoy life. What is life if we don't enjoy it? How can we enjoy life if we don't spend time with family? New life it seems tends to put things into perspective and I hope that I can hold onto these feelings I have now and carry them with me till I die. For now, I must go and stare at my sleeping son, watch his indiscriminate movements, his little dreams he has, and the myriad faces that he makes. Tomorrow doesn't matter, only today does.
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