Well, its been a very long time since I have sat down to write a blog post or for that matter really, sit down and write anything. After moving to our new house last September, the rhythm that I had; wake up, walk the dogs, sit down and write; has been completely thrown out the window. Trust me, its not out of lack of desire that I haven't written anything, for I have thought about it often, it just seems the energy hasn't been there. Between raising two little children, taking care of our rental house, and dealing with the busiest winter of work I have ever had, I have not had much energy to do much of anything else. While I have been healthier overall, it seems that as you get older, you really need to set your mind to doing something in order to actually get it done. You can not just persistently cram extra activities into a day and expect to maintain the same amount of energy and divest of it evenly across the board, it just doesn't happen. While I may be preaching to the choir of older readers, for those who are younger and don't have children, having a 3.5 and a 1 year old running around the house craving your attention is not the easiest of tasks. Every minute I am home that they are awake requires me to bring my A-game, whether or not I have it in me to bring it. I love every second of it, but its not always a walk in the park. But while my experiences over that past year has inclined me to think about writing, it hasn't provided the impetus necessary to actually make me sit down and write. And while I am sitting down now and writing (yes, partly about them), it is a different situation that is occurring that has driven me back to the computer. My grandfather, Dziadziu, is not doing so well right now. He is 90 years old now and has lived a full life. At this point, there is no hiding that he is old and tired, and he has even said that he can't do this anymore. Yet, there is still a small piece of him holding on, maintaining a grip on life because of my grandmother, his wife for over 50 years, that he has been through thick and thin with and has devoted his life to helping. Well, he can't help her much anymore and its coming to the point where he can't really help himself either. Two weeks ago, just from trying to get himself out of bed, he fell on three separate occasions, the last of which sent him to the hospital for a bump on his head. About two months before that, he fell trying to the do the same thing and broke a number of ribs. And yet, something within him is still holding on, but none of us know for how much longer.
Over the past few days, his decline has become more apparent in the sense that he can not even feed himself because he is in so much pain. I don't see him every day, but we all went over there on Easter as a family to spend a little time with him. With what little eyesight he has left, he was able to see our daughter walking around (about a week after she finally mustered the trust within herself to do so) and our son who, after a few years, finally got over his fear of them as "old people" and gave both him and my grandmother, Babci, a kiss before leaving. I was happy that it turned out that way, happy that we made the time to get over there and spend at least a little time with them. Being there and seeing Dziadziu, you can tell just from looking at him that he has had enough and is ready to move on. The decline he has gone through just over the past year is distinct and noticeable. From at least attempting to walk with help a year ago to his hunched over, pained state that he is in now, you can tell that life is dwindling for him. During the hour or so that we visited with them on Easter, he dozed off in his chair perhaps a half a dozen times. Its in and out of sleeping at this point for him. He did tell one joke to my dad while we were there which made me smile, but it wasn't with the same gusto or laughing that he used to imbue it with. Yet, that is the circle of life, that is where we all are headed. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier to watch, but I feel that part of why we all have so much trouble with dying and death is because we want to preserve the notions in our mind of how our loved ones used to be. We have memories that bring smiles to our face and images of activities we used to do together and there is a fear that once our loved ones are gone, that those memories will fade. I think one of our biggest failings as humans is to persistently see people where they are and take them in their present moment, not holding them to visions from our past or what we think they should be like in the future. For me, it is only when I think about the memories of my Dziadziu that tears come to my eyes. When I see him in his current state and deal with him in my mind only on that level, I am OK. I am sad, to be sure, but my love for him is solely in the present and doesn't hinge upon anything else. At this point, I know he just needs to rest. He has had a long life, a good life, but even he knows he needs to rest now.
None of us knows when he will throw in the proverbial towel or when God will call him, but we all know it can't be too long now. From my experiences with Dziadziu over the course of my life, I have come to learn that while remembering times together at this stage of life can bring some tears, what brings more sadness and tears is the thought that we could have been closer, were it within me to be closer to him. But that was not the way I lived my life. If I can share one thing with my children (at least the one thing right now that I want to share with them) is to take advantage of every moment they have with my parents. Grandparents can have such an influence on their grandchildren, and yet most times it goes unnoticed. Young children take for granted the time they have with them because for them, time is endless. As little kids, "time" isn't really a thought. There is no thought paid to the fact that their grandparents only have a finite amount of time where they can run with them, play in the grass with them, and be their best buddies till time starts wearing heavily on them. I hope that through my actions, I can teach my children to live each moment fully and be fully "present" in every encounter they have. Will they? Time will tell, but as of right now, I think the will. I think if they keep on their inquisitive track, their full embrace of everything in the present, that they will learn the importance of the hear and now, not the past and not the future. Nothing is guaranteed to us, not a second past the one we have just lived, and I hope they learn that as early as possible so they can take advantage of every moment given to them. As for Dziadziu, my only hope is that they pain doesn't get too much for him to handle. I know we are all given what we can handle in life, but I hope he can learn to let go when he needs to, whether its next week, or next month, or whenever. May he find his peace.
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