A Sickening Turn of Events

Before I get into my tirade, which I assure you is coming shortly, let me first wish everyone a pre-emptive Happy New Year.  It is still only New Year's Eve, but in my mind, it is never to early to start the sentiments flowing.  So with that out of the way, lets get going here.  The sickening turn of events that I alluded to in my title is in reference to the Newtown school massacre.  According to both local news and the New York Times, it appears that a lawyer out of New Haven is requesting permission to sue the state for a $100 million dollars on behalf of an un-named six year old girl who survived the shooting, yet suffered "emotional and psychological trauma and injury."  Despite the fact that she survived, the lawyer claims that education officials failed to protect his client.  That right there is surprising to me because she survived.  If they failed to protect her, she would not be here right now.  Granted there is the factor of "emotional and psychological trauma", but I am pretty sure that similar trauma occurred with almost every survivor, both child and adult, and with the first responders.  But lets continue before I get sidetracked.  This lawyer alleges that because someone (the deceased principal) turned on the school's intercom system, the young girl heard screams, gunshots, and conversations that contributed to the trauma she suffered.  Going even further, he states that the state Board of Education, the Department of Education, and state education commissioner failed to protect the child "from foreseeable harm".  In essence, they failed to provide a safe school setting.  The only bright side to this whole lawsuit is that it has not been filed yet.  In order to sue the state of Connecticut, lawyers must first request permission to file such a suit, which in my mind, is one more measure in place to stop this before it ever begins.  To even put in a request to file such a suit is ludicrous in my mind, not even considering the fact that the shooting occurred a little over two weeks ago.  I understand the lawyer is just doing his job, but he also has the ability to not file the lawsuit for whatever reason and pass it on to someone else.  He claims it is not about the $100 million dollars he is asking for, but rather about increasing school security.  That right there is the icing on the cake that makes this one dessert from hell. 

So what is the big problem that I have with this lawsuit?  The first issue is that a request to file was put in not even two weeks after the school shooting occurred.  Families are still grieving and if this goes through, the fresh wound will be opened up for scrutiny and victim's families could potentially be dragged through the muck and mire of the lawsuit.  I personally don't agree with almost any lawsuit, but this one just seems over the top ridiculous and just the claim that it is not about the money, but rather about improving school safety is hogwash.  I guarantee that if the $100 million dollars is granted to either this girl who is currently named "Jill Doe" for privacy reasons or her family, not a single penny of it will go towards improving school security.  If this lawsuit were really about improving school security, wouldn't it make more sense to put a small token monetary amount on the suit and instead have the money go towards actually improving school security?  Just a thought, but a hundred million dollars is not chump change, and this is all for a girl who survived the shooting, was able to be with her parents for Christmas, and will get to go back to school and live her life.  The fact that she is alive can be at least partially attributed to the fact that the school's intercom system was turned on so that everyone in the school could hear what was going on and react according the security measures that were already in place.  If the school's intercom system was not turned on by "someone" (which we all know was the deceased principal), the massacre could have been much worse and this young girl could have potentially been among the victims, not the survivors.  The full investigation has not even been completed yet and already the fingers are being pointed to place blame for a child's "emotional and psychological trauma".  No amount of money is going to make this incident go away and it sure as hell won't restore the young girl's mental state to what it was prior.  Trust me, I have nothing against this young girl who survived.  I understand that the events were traumatic, but over time, people heal, and money won't heal those wounds.  My big issue is with this lawyer, and most likely the parents of the young girl, who decided it would be a good idea to proceed with this lawsuit. 

Perhaps one of my biggest issues (despite the lawsuit in general) is with some of the wording as it was reported.   The lawsuit alleges that the above stated parties failed to protect this child (and I am assuming the rest of the school) "from foreseeable harm".  That three word phrase right there boggles my mind in reference to what happened.  I would ask anyone in this country, or perhaps the world, if they could have "foreseen" this tragedy occurring.  That phrase would indicate that mass school shootings are a daily occurrence and should be expected.  While school shootings have been on the increase, none of them are foreseeable, especially from a board of education point of view, and especially considering that in the Newtown case, the shooter had no ties to the school.  How can something like this be foreseeable, and even if it was, what other measures could have been put in place aside from making the school a fortress.  The shooter broke into the school in Newtown as the doors were locked, so its not like security was lacking at the school.   Unless we address the issue that is causing these school shootings, no amount of security will make a difference.  This lawsuit will do nothing to prevent shootings like this from occurring in the future.  I hope that no more do occur, but this will do nothing to stop them.  This lawsuit, in my mind, is simply an opportunity for the family of this young six year old survivor to profit from the tragedy, to profit from the death's of her school mates, and to spit in the face of all those who are still grieving.  No one wishes this tragedy occurred, but a lawsuit is not going to change anything, especially when it seeks to take money away from a system that they hope will improve as a result of this lawsuit.  In my mind, no part of this lawsuit makes sense and if I was the one deciding on this, I would throw it in the garbage and burn it (which is probably why I am not in a position to make any of those decisions).   I do sincerely hope this young girl will recover from her alleged "emotional and psychological trauma", but dragging her through the court system (which she will be to testify) will only make things worse.  I only hope the parents of this young girl see this, get the dollar signs out of their eyes, and work on improving their family instead of a system that is already functioning properly. 

The "God" Conversation

Since the Newtown tragedy that occurred almost 2 weeks ago now, there has been no shortage of the question "Where was God in all of this?"  Echoing what I have both read and heard, if we as Christians believe in a loving, compassionate God, why would he let 20 children and 7 adults be killed?  Where was he to protect the innocent and keep them from harm?  There are no answers that can truly satisfy a person who does not believe in God in the first place as they are merely looking for reasons to bolster their belief against God.  Even for those with a persistent, lasting faith, the answers may seem trite and inadequate in the face of such horror.  Yet, as humans, we question things, we need to see how all the pieces fit into our grand scheme of life and how it functions.  If the answers are not sufficient, we sometimes move on, casting aside our beliefs and our faith for more simple and readily accessible means of justifying or rationalizing what has happened.  Yet, if we as Christians have "faith", then the answers shouldn't matter.  With faith, we know that not everything can be answered to our expectations, for our expectations are human, not divine.  It is not until we realize that if we seek to answer everything, then most times we will only come up with more questions.  Yet there is a paradox within our faith that many haven't been able to come to terms with and as such, have thrown faith aside for belief in nothing.  That one paradox is free will.  People believe (whether due to God or not) that humans have free will.  For those of us that are Christians, we believe that that God gave us free will.  But regardless of who gave us free will, we cherish it greatly and if all else fails, we will still grasp that notion that we are in control of our lives.  I believe we do have free will, yet the problem arises when a tragedy like the one in Newtown occurs.  In the aftermath of any tragedy, it seems we want to be absolved of free will and have it taken away, at least from those that commit the act of violence.  We want free will, yet we want God to step in to prevent a tragedy from occurring.   How is it possible to have it both ways?  It isn't.  We either believe in free will, in which case nothing beyond our powers can prevent a tragedy, or we don't, in which case we believe that nothing we do is in our control, every action we make is predetermined, and as a consequence, leaves us with an image of a spiteful or harsh and cruel God. 

Is it any surprise that those who want it both ways end up casting God aside?  I don't think so.  If I didn't believe in free will, I would have a hard time believing in God after a tragedy like the one in Newtown.  Yet, I believe that we do have free will, and as such, we are susceptible to the many variations that humanity encompasses, from those that seem to be evil incarnate, to those that seem almost divine.  Free will, at least from my perspective, must be accompanied by faith in order for anything to make sense.  If we believe in free will, the ability for humans to act on their own volition, then we must have faith that God will show himself in one form or another.  So I guess faith doesn't have to accompany free will for the non-believer, but for those who call themselves Christians, it is almost necessary.  Yet all that still leaves some of us questioning where God is when a tragedy like this occurs.  One of the best public responses I saw was from Mike Huckabee soon after the tragedy occurred.  (You can find a YouTube clip online if you want to see the complete, unedited, version).  In essence, when asked where God was during the tragedy, his first response was, "We have ushered God out of all our public institutions and yet people ask where God was."  Nothing could be more true.  Instead of offering the opportunity for different religions to be expressed within public institutions, such as an elementary school, we have said that religion has no place within a school and as such, no word should be uttered in reference to God, Allah, or any other type of form of religion.  Yet with a tragedy such as this, we want God to come back and make a difference; before asking him to politely excuse himself out the side door again till something else of this magnitude occurs, in which case the conversation will begin all over again.  Yet we can see God in the tragedy if we look past simply the deaths of 27 people.  Stated by Mr. Huckabee and echoed by a number of other people that I have heard, God made himself present in the teachers, the first responders, and family members and friends who were there to support the victims, He just didn't stop the events from occurring.  He was there when the first responders acted incredibly quickly and rushed to the school to keep the shooting from getting worse.  If they hadn't, the perpetrator could have continued killing many more innocent people.  God was with the teachers and principal as they reacted instantaneously to the threat and did everything in their power to keep the death to a minimum.  Yet we still ask where God was.  If God was completely absent, the killings would have continued and we would be dealing with hundreds of dead children and adults instead of 27.  No number of people dead is a good number, yet the smaller it is, the better. 

Nothing I say here is going to change the mind of an atheist or a non-believer.  I firmly believe that God was present during the Newtown tragedy, not to stop it, but to help those around to keep it from escalating.  God is still present in Newtown, now in the those who are helping to support the victims' families.  If we believe in God, then we also believe that God manifests himself through those that are open to Him.  If we don't want God in our lives, then God will not be there.  We have the ability to allow Him into our hearts or not.  The choice is ours, but if we let Him into our hearts, we can share His love with those around us and help to ease the pain and suffering of others.  It is through our presence and support of others that God makes Himself shown.  It is through our prayers, our loving embrace of someone in pain, or our ability to comfort others, that He breaks through our lives and makes Himself shown.  If we don't believe in God and don't want Him in our lives, then He will not be there.  He is always waiting for us, we just need to open the door and let Him in.  Yet even as I write these words, I know that for the most part they will fall on deaf ears.  There are those who are reading this that will agree with me, agree with what others have said that I am simply relaying here, and will continue on as they have.  Others will scorn me for speaking of God so elaborately and saying that he was there in Newtown, that God shouldn't have stepped in to stop the killings, or that maybe I should get a life.  All that is fine, I am merely saying here that everything depends on our point of view, the way we look at life, and the way we embrace God...or not.  We can either take the view that humanity is inherently screwed up and evil and that is why these tragedies occur.  Or we can take the opposite view that perhaps these tragedies are occurring because we have pushed God out of our lives and have tried to keep Him in a box until we need Him.  I believe that God is always present, we just need to allow Him into our lives in order to experience His love.  If we want free will, we need to believe that tragedies can and will occur in which human life is senselessly taken.  We can not simply put God on the spot and tell Him to prevent all deaths and murders.   Such is the paradox of living a life of faith.  Some can stomach it, other's can't.  Either way, I hold nothing against those that don't believe in God, I just wish them the best of luck. 

A Good Christmas

Yesterday our family gathered at our house to celebrate Christmas together.  My parents, brother, mother-in-law, and grandparents (Babci and Dziadziu) all came over.  It was a nice gathering with a few gifts passed between people.  However, the larger family gathering didn't start till the afternoon.  The first taste of Christmas was had bright and early in the morning with our son who is a non stop motion machine.  He was up bright and early as usual at around 5:45, so that's when Christmas started.  The beautiful thing about yesterday, at least from a parent's perspective, was that our son didn't get any new toys.  I know, what kind of parents are we that don't get our son more toys that he will inevitably use once and then discard in a pile somewhere to gather dust?  I'd say we are the type of parents who don't want to inundate our son with too much.  As it is, he doesn't even utilize all the toys he currently has at his disposal.  He as more and longer lasting fun with pots and pans and Tupperware than any other toy he has.  He does love his magnetic letters, his stackable cups, and his different shaped blocks, but aside from those, he would gladly occupy himself with two boxes of cardboard rather than some new toy that whirls, whizzes, and goes pop, bam, boom.  So all our son got for Christmas this year, from us and relatives, was clothes (and also money for college).  To be perfectly honest, he had more fun with the wrapping paper than anything that was actually inside the wrapping paper.  It was incredibly cute to watch him run around with his multitude of different sized pieces of wrapping paper.  Aside from his presents, my wife and I always have a limit set for ourselves on how much we can spend on each other.  We normally go over by a little bit, but never that much.  Also, we have figured out very early on that it is kind of pointless to buy unnecessary gifts that won't be utilized.  As such, we now get practical gifts for each other, ones we will actually use.  For my wife, I got her an herb mill for fresh herbs from our garden, a plastic veggie steamer for cooking, new baking sheets, and a food scale.  There were a few other food items thrown in there, but that was pretty much it.  My wife got me a workshop idea book, a variety of unique beers, some equipment for home brewing, and some other useful items.  At least she didn't get me any chocolate this year!

Even when it came time to exchange gifts with the rest of our family, no one went overboard.  Everything we got for each other was useful or something we asked for, and even then, the presents were kept to a minimum.  All in all, Christmas was a very enjoyable day spent with family.  Throughout the course of the day, our son did exceptionally well considering the fact that he only took a forty five minute nap yesterday morning.  He showed occasional signs of crankiness, wanted to be held a lot, but for the most part did really well.   It is getting marginally easier with our son now that he can understand us a little more.  As he understands us more, or at least associates certain words with specific rooms and actions, he is developing his own way of telling us what he needs or wants.  In respect to eating and food (which he loves to do), he has a few different ways he lets us know he is hungry and wants to eat.  The first is pointing at the bananas that hang in a basket in our kitchen.  That is the first sign and if we are holding him, it is quite easy to figure out what he wants.  The second sign is going right over to his high chair and trying to climb in.  This method, however, doesn't happen to often as his high chair is in our dining room which we have barricaded for safety reasons with gates (the dogs water is in there and also access to our bathroom).  So with that option mostly off the table, he has a new one that is very easy to figure out.  If we ask him if he wants to eat or is hungry, he will go right over to the refrigerator, look at us, and try to pull the door open.  I think that is the most obvious sign that he is hungry and ready for food.  Outside of the realm of food and eating, he is also very observant and learns quickly.  If we ask him to ring the bell on his train (it is bigger than him and doubles as a toy chest), he goes right over and rings the bell.  He knows some other objects as well, and if he is in the right mood, will bring them over upon request.  However, if he is in his own world exploring things and playing with different objects, it is a lost cause.  Regardless, and I have said this before, it is amazing to watch him learn about the world by observing it, testing it over and over again, and then moving on.  But back to Christmas now.

I hope that we can keep Christmas as simple as it was this year in the future.  There was not an overabundance of presents and clean up was very easy.  I know that I will be tempted to buy our son more "stuff" down the line, but I am counting on my wife to keep me in check and remind me that it is not necessary.  I am slowly coming around though and I am sure that I won't have too many issues.  Even dinner was simple.  As opposed to Thanksgiving where we did most of the cooking, for the Christmas dinner we divided up the duties having both of our mother's prepare a different side dish that would accompany the main dish that were preparing.  This way we only had to worry about a few things rather than an entire meal.  On top of that, it was nice that everyone helped with the clean up (OK, so not everyone, mostly the women.  Before anyone has a fit that the women did all the cleaning, I just want to add that I offered to help and was told that one more person in the kitchen would be too much and that I should just watch our son.  Needless to say, I didn't argue.  I did wander in near the end to help dry some dishes though.  So at the end of the day when everyone had gone, there were only a few dishes left from dessert that we had to clean up and everything was back to normal.  Now that is what I call a successful Christmas day dinner and celebration.  Simple, and with very little clean up afterwards.  Today, when I walked downstairs, everything was back to normal, except our tree is still up and there are a few more presents lying around.  In any case, it is now time to get back on the work wagon and get myself in gear for today.  I essentially took a week off from work, starting Friday and ending yesterday, and now it is time to hit the asphalt running.  I still have work luckily, even now during the holiday season, and once we pass the New Year mark into 2013 (the year absolutely flew by), it will pick up even more.  Personally, I am glad the Mayan's had it wrong about the end of the world, I just wasn't quite ready for it to end (not that I had much of a choice in the matter).  Till tomorrow, enjoy the Christmas afterglow and try not to hit the stores too hard with returns. 

Rethinking "Normal"

As I was working yesterday, the sorrow and grief slowly dissipating, I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday morning about looking to the underlying cause of what prompted these killings in Newtown.  I wrote about the treatment of those with mental or behavioral disorders and how medication is not the answer, especially given the incredible volatility of the psychotropic drugs being administered.   My thoughts wandered to why we feel the need to administer these drugs to children with ADD, ADHD, autism, or aspergers.  As many people will say, especially about autism and aspergers, they are "disorders" in which the brain is wired differently than most other people's brains.  One can also make the case to a certain extent that ADD and ADHD, while perhaps not cases of one's brain being wired differently, are "disorders" in which a person simply functions differently than what we would normally expect.  Especially with the latter two, while a person who has those may be hyperactive and not able to focus in a typical classroom setting, does it mean they are not capable of learning, albeit a different way than we are used to?  I think part of the problem we face when dealing with these and other disorders is we that we don't understand them as they don't fit into our idea of what is "normal".  So I ask you, what is "normal" in terms of human beings?  For centuries we have struggled with this idea that everyone should be approximately the same when it comes to functioning in society, a classroom, or any other setting.  If you look back at the colonial period in the United States and the famous witch hunts that were conducted across New England, were they not a reaction to a group of people that was "abnormal" according to societal mores at that time?  Is it not the same today?  Anyone who acts differently than the majority of those around them is labeled accordingly.  We may use the term abnormal or quirky, weird or strange, odd or challenged, but it all boils down the same thing; we view these people as deviating from our prescribed view of the way people should function in the world.  Many times, when we label these said individuals, it can be incredibly harmful to them, their families, and those that are like them.  We put them in a group with a label hanging over their heads that begs for medical intervention.  If they can't function the way the rest of society functions, then there must be something wrong and they must be put on medication.  I would venture to say that we are completely wrong when we adopt these views of others, label them as such, and push them towards the doctors to figure out why they aren't "normal". 

What is truly needed, especially with more and more people exhibiting signs that they aren't "normal", is a re-thinking of what "normal" is for them.  Why is it unacceptable for someone to be more active than others, to not be able to focus the way other's do in a classroom setting?  When a child or person shows these signs, we automatically jump to the conclusion that they must have ADD or ADHD.  They may have those disorders, but why must we medicate them to the point where they reach "normalcy" as prescribed by the rest of the world?  The same goes for autism and aspergers.  When we see a person who is withdrawn, incapable of functioning the way the rest of the world does when out in public or even within a home, we make the assumption that they have a certain disorder and must be medicated.  What if they are normal according to what their body prescribes and it is the rest of us who are "abnormal" according to them.  More and more research has shown that individuals with autism and aspergers have the capability of being really smart, not in standard "normal" ways, but in ways that we are only now beginning to understand.  Take for example the case of a man (whose first name I forget) but whose last name is Wiltshire, who has either autism or aspergers, and yet has a photographic memory, an acute attention to detail, and is capable of recreating something he has seen only once with pen and paper.  He is normal according to him, but most likely not to the rest of us.  The more we start putting these individuals in groups and labeling them as disabled or disadvantaged, or heaven forbid not "normal"; the more we are increasing the likelihood that they will be medicated beyond belief and whatever gifts they possess naturally will be hidden or eradicated.  What if Albert Einstein was put on psychotropic medications and his genius tempered or eradicated?  We would have essentially lost one of the greatest minds this world has ever seen.  How many "Einstein's" are we removing from this planet by over medicating individuals who are not "normal" according to what the rest of us believe.  I hope we haven't removed too many and I hope we can re-think the way we address individuals with these disorders so we don't damage them, put them in situations beyond their control, and essentially "quiet" their minds. 

In America especially, the majority of people expect everyone else to fit within a certain mold.  We expect people to conform to what other's believe, act the way other's act, and not be too eccentric.  When someone goes against the grain or exhibits signs that they aren't normal, we stigmatize their actions and corral them together so we can avoid addressing the issues at hand.  The issues at hand are our perceptions of them.  What if according to them, the rest of the world is "abnormal"?  What if they believe that since all those around them are different, than all those around them are "not normal"?  The sooner we can start looking beyond the way a person acts, the sooner we can start treating them as we would any "normal" human being, the sooner we can accept them into the folds of our society and create a way for them to move forward and function without being sidelined.  If we keep on pushing these medications to treat "abnormal" behavior, we will just be creating another group of zombie's who resemble a "normal" person.  It seems that most of the reactions we have stem from a lack of understanding.  The majority of the people don't understand what "normal" is to a person with one of these so-called "disorders".  In general, when we don't understand something, we have a tendency to push it to the side into a group that we can keep at arm's length and not get too close to.   We need to do the opposite; seek for understanding of what these individuals are truly like so that we can learn to live with them and they with us.  Perhaps it means altering the way we function in society to make it easier for them.  Or perhaps it is a simple as being more accepting of individuals who exhibit behavior that is fundamentally different than ours.  However we change our reactions, we need to change them so that we don't push these individuals to the fringes of society.  What they need is not more medication but to be considered "normal" by the rest of us.  If we start from that point, perhaps we can start curbing the disturbing trend of over medication and alienating these individuals from our society. 

Responding to Tragedy

There are many adults, myself included, who are still coming to terms with the tragic events of Friday.  I am still filled with an intense sorrow for the loss of life that occurred, most notably due to the age of the 20 children killed, but also due to the accounts of heroism that the teachers and school officials exhibited in the face of evil.  Nothing can ever reverse what happened, but the questions are starting to come forth as to what caused this to happen, what were the underlying issues that sparked the rage within a young man and prompted him to carry guns into a school and kill as many people as possible?  These questions aren't easy to ask, and for some, it is too early to ask those questions and face the reality moving forward.  But for me at least, these questions have been at the forefront of my mind ever since the tragedy, and while some have put forth ideas that will serve as band aids, nobody has yet to address the true underlying issues at hand.  Unless we deal with the underlying issues, the band aids will wear off, and nothing will have changed.  These band aids I speak of are gun control, medications, and better security.  In terms of gun control, I believe that we should restrict the amount of rounds able to be carried or put into a clip, but that in and of itself will not solve any problems.  The term many of us have heard over and over again is, "guns don't kill people, people kill people."  That statement is entirely true and unless we address the issues that people have who pick up these guns and commit these heinous acts, the killings will continue, with or without guns.  Medications, in respect to those with disorders, handicaps, mental issues; are just a band aid that addresses the symptoms a person exhibits and never treats the underlying cause.  Even worse, most of the mass killings have been committed by individuals who have been on medication, so obviously that doesn't work.  And then there is the issue of security.  We have increased security measures in schools after the shootings at Columbine in 1999, yet they did nothing to prevent the tragedy that took place on Friday as the individual broke into the school.  We can't increase security to the point where schools become fortresses, and we shouldn't have to.  There would be no need for increased security if we actually addressed the underlying issues that are rippling through our society.   We, as a country, need to take a serious look at what is causing people to go literally berserk and act out against innocent people with a rage that should never engulf any individual. 

First and foremost, we need to look at our society and what about our society that may be inducing people to rage and senseless killing.  If you look long and hard at American society (which most of us don't want to do in a meaningful way), you will find that there is a general feeling of being stuck.  The poor remain poor, the middle class can't move forward and often times seems to be sliding backwards, and the rich can't get enough for themselves.  No matter what strata of society you look at, people feel stuck.  But why is there this feeling that permeates our society that we can't move forward, if anything, only backward?  A good part of that feeling is incited by our placement of unrealistic expectations upon everyone.  There is this ethereal ideal that all Americans need to have a 2000 square foot house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, maybe a cat, and a good life.  We are taught that once we achieve something, we need to push further and achieve more.  Once we have that house, fence, etcetera, we then need a bigger fence with perhaps a gate.  No matter what level we get to, we then need to start striving for the level after that and so on and so forth.  Its absurd to think that people should perpetually drive themselves into the ground in search of this ethereal ideal.  The problem, especially now in our economy, is that people can't move past where they are at, yet society still pushes them along.  All this leads to a general sense, amongst all people, of being stuck.  The poor can't move forward for obvious reasons, there is no more work that the middle class can do to propel themselves upward, and the rich can only suck so much money from the rest of us that even they are stuck.  When people get stuck, the feeling of anger starts creeping in.  Anger in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing.  It forces us to look for other options, it can be the catalyst for change, yet it can also, if left unchecked and allowed to build, lead to rage.  Once someone is engulfed in rage, reality is altered and the only thing that matters to them is acting out, seeking revenge, and in many cases as it turns out, taking the life of others.  If we don't start addressing the issues in our society that are fermenting, building, and getting out of control, the killings will unfortunately continue.  The expectations that we are placing on everyone that they need to improve, make more, get more, and be more need to stop.  Some people will never get beyond a certain point in life and we need them to realize that there is nothing wrong with that.  The more we stigmatize those that don't move forward, the more we increase our chances of another tragedy visiting a small American town.  Often times, those that feel stuck turn to doctors for an answer.  Many are diagnosed with depression, anxiety, or some other problem that can be "solved" with medication.  The more we medicate people, the more we increase the likelihood of a something bad happening.  Medications, especially of the psychiatric type, are particularly volatile and affect the brain in ways that we still can't fully comprehend, often times leading to death in one form or another. 

So why if people are feeling stuck, getting medicated to solve their issues, are things not improving?  If medication is supposed to help people, then why are these mass killings being committed by people on medication?  There is obviously something incredibly wrong when we keep turning to medication when that is obviously not the answer.  The answer we need to be looking for is two fold.  The first side of it is that we need to be more mindful of how we are raising our children, the expectations that we are placing on them, and the involvement with them of not just us, but our entire family and community.  Until we start getting more involved in our children's lives, relying more on the community around us to help us instead of just ourselves, and altering our thinking on parenting, society, and what it means to live; nothing will change.  Yet that is only one part of it.  Society's take time to change and so do the people in them.  We need to do something now to address the issues that people have that they are getting medicated for.  What is the alternative to the main stream medical profession, especially psychiatry, that pumps our bodies full of medications that alter our minds and often times leads to bigger problems than they were originally meant to address?  It is quite simple and I have talked about it before, principle chiropractic care.  Most people consider the chiropractic profession to be only about dealing with back pain.  Those that think that have been told only a partial truth.  While chiropractic can and does address back and neck pain, the true purpose of chiropractic is much simpler than that.  The true purpose of the chiropractic profession is to put a person's spine into alignment so that the nerves can freely carry messages from the brain to every part of the body.  We all know the brain controls every part of the body via the nervous system.  Is it any wonder that if a person's spine is out of alignment that part of their body will not function correctly?  If the nerve that sends impulses to the part of the body that controls a person's blood pressure is pinched, will that person's blood pressure be correct?  Probably not.  But it goes beyond blood pressure to every function that our body performs, including our mental state that we all know is a mixture of chemicals produced in the body that work together to either make us feel happy, sad, depressed, etcetera.  Is it any stretch of the imagination to think that if the young man who killed all the people on Friday had been seeing a chiropractor regularly and did not have the cocktail of meds that he had might not have killed all those people?  I certainly don't think so, in fact, I would say that he would not have pulled that trigger (provided he had a loving, supportive family as well).  I am not pushing my theories on anyone.  People can do the research for themselves and see the truth as they want to.   There is one story that I would like to share with you now was shared with me the day of the tragedy, before it even happened.  It strikes me as more than coincidence in light of what transpired.  And this is what I will leave you with today.

A patient had his consultation with my chiropractor during which they went over my doctor's expectations for him, the adjustments he would receive, and the course of action they would take.  Upon completion of the consultation during which the patient had both his arms and legs crossed and barely uttered a word, my doctor asked him if he was ready to proceed and if he thought he could commit to it.  The man said one word, "Sure."  So he received his first adjustment that day with no effect.  (Often times people will feel a sense of release after their first adjustment where this man had nothing).  Five visits went by and nothing changed.  Twelve and fourteen went by with no distinct difference.  On the twenty second visit and consequently his twenty second adjustment, the patient came in and told the doctor a joke.  The doctor, needless to say, was stunned as the patient who walked in did not resemble the man he knew before.  He asked what changed and the man responded, "I just feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and the stress in my life has been reduced."  My doctor said, "That's great, lets get you adjusted."  That time, the man had brought his son with him and in the open bay in which my doctor adjusts patients, he asked if the little boy, about 5 or 6 years old, would like to help.  The boy came over and when he got right next to the table and my doctor was working on his father, he asked the little boy, "What changes have you noticed in your dad since he has been coming to get adjusted."  The little boy thought for a second and without hesitation he said, "He has stopped hitting my mom."  To this day, that entire family; father, mother, and son, are patients of my chiropractor.  There were no medications prescribed, no surgeries performed, just the process of putting the spine into alignment so that the brain could send the signals it needed to the rest of the body.  Take this with you, ponder it, see how it affects you, and try and justify to me that medications are the way to fix all problems.  Just hear those boys words, for they could be any boys words, that said, "He has stopped hitting my mom."

Power of Relationships

It is in times like these, after a horrific event like the one that unfolded in Newtown, that our relationships with others becomes the strength by which we heal and move forward.  I know that at this point, much of the United States and the world for that matter have moved on emotionally.  Things have largely returned to normal in most places; people going about their daily business, going to school, going to work, carrying out their normal routines.  However, while that is the case elsewhere, it is different in Connecticut right now.  While normal activities have resumed, except in Newtown, there is a heaviness in the air, almost as if there is a void left by the absence of those who were killed.  You can not escape continuing news unless you unplug from everything including the radio and you can distinctly tell when talking to people who has children or not.  Many adults who have children are still struggling to wrap their heads around this tragic event, how it could have happened, what it means for the future, and how lucky they are to have their children still with them.  I myself struggled a good amount yesterday.  The morning was particularly rough listening to the radio, people calling in stories of those gunned down, the exceptional way they lived and the joy they brought to all those around them.  There were poems being read on the radio, people crying, and it seemed like the gravity of the situation didn't really sink in until yesterday.  On my way to work, listening to the radio, crying occasionally in the privacy of my work van, I decided I needed to go to morning Mass at my church.  I usually only go to Mass on the weekends, but yesterday I needed to be amongst others, have some of my own void filled, and just be at peace for a while.  Anytime I was alone yesterday, my thoughts kept wandering back to the events last Friday, the close proximity of those events, and the innocence take from this world too soon.  I did some work yesterday, but mostly I sought out others, either to have a conversation with or to just to be around.  It wasn't till I started being around other people, talking to them about events not related to last Friday, that I started to turn around.  While my spirit yesterday was lacking, by the end it had somewhat returned, mostly due to the people around me. 

At one point I called a friend who recently moved to California, one of my good friends that I have always enjoyed spending time with, Dave Smith.  Originally from Connecticut, he had friends who live in Newtown, a brother who is a school superintendent, and young nephews that are under 10 years old.  He was still in complete disbelief yesterday when I talked to him.  Originally he was not going to be coming home for the holidays, but after hearing the news on Friday, he booked a flight home to be with family.  We were both choked up talking about the incident, helpful in a way to discuss it with a friend, and then we moved on to our lives and how we both are doing.  We ended up talking for about a half hour.  It was conversations like that, just talking about life and how we both are doing, that helped me move past Friday in a way.   While it at least helped me move past Friday a little, no amount of conversation can fill the void left by the taking of those 20 children, an entire classroom wiped off the face of the earth.  There is still an emptiness in my heart today, but all the conversations I had with people yesterday helped me move forward a little.  Alone, I broke down.  We never know how much people matter to us until we are faced with a situation that makes us feel totally isolated despite our being surrounded by strangers.  There is healing in talking to those we know and love and yesterday proved that more to me than I could ever understand previously.  I always enjoy talking to people, but yesterday I searched people out to talk to, mostly because I needed it.  There is nothing that is more precious to me than the relationships I have in my life, and luckily for me, I have a large amount of family and friends I can call and talk to, or just go and visit and talk to.  I don't think I have ever taken those relationships for granted, but I know I never will now.  They are simply too important.  Rather than get a lot of work done yesterday, I talked.  Relationships with others, especially in times of hardship and grief, are what holds us up and gives us strength to move forwards.  I know that anyone who has gone through a tragedy in their lives knows the truth of this.  For those who haven't, it is incredibly hard to explain and for the most part, you have to witness it yourself to truly understand how connected we are and how much we rely on others to bring us through the hard times.  Sometimes we forget about those that are important, but we should all do our best effort to remember those around us that are in essence, our lifeline. 

I know as the healing process continues, for some more quickly than others, I only hope that we can remember what is truly important and not distort what really happened and what it means to so many.   Already I have seen distortions of the press online, highlighting certain parts of a press conference and neglecting everything else relating to it.  It mind boggling to me, even though it shouldn't be, that people are already using this tragedy to further their own agendas.  For my part, I would ask all these people to have a little respect for those living in Connecticut, especially those directly affected by the tragedy, and lay off your vitriol and distortions at least till after the New Year.   The funerals of all those killed just began yesterday and will continue for days to come.  Out of respect, keep your comments to yourself.  I almost want to disconnect myself from Facebook and any news outlet because of the possibility of seeing something that will piss me off.  But I know that in a way, seeing it is not a bad thing, as long as I don't let it get to me.  It also goes to show how much people don't understand and can't empathize with those that went through this tragedy.  As I mentioned before, almost everyone I know had a tough time yesterday, the real gravity of the situation didn't really start sinking in till yesterday.  For those that feel the weight of the world is on their shoulders, find someone to talk to, a friend, relative, or even a co-worker.  In times like these we need to strengthen any relationships we have instead of isolating ourselves and thinking we can deal with everything on our own.  We can never deal with something like this on our own, it will just get bottled up and explode at a later date.  If the need to cry is there, cry.  If the need is there to scream, scream.  But just remember that no matter what the case may be, there is always someone who has it worse than you do.  There was a poem that I heard yesterday, written by someone named Tabitha (I hope I spelled it correctly) called the Field Trip.  It was about the events on Friday from a child's perspective and it moved me to tears any time I heard it.  Please search it out online or on Facebook.  It is well worth the read and might help alleviate some of the grief.  For me, I move forward little by little, still talking to people, ensuring my relationships are as strong as they can be, and slowly recovering from the tragedy on Friday.  While I wasn't personally involved or connected to anyone directly involved, it hit me hard and will be slow to go away. 

Newtown Tragedy

At this point, I think pretty much everyone around the world who has a TV or connection to the Internet has heard about the horrific events that unfolded Friday morning in Newtown, CT.  There has been an outpouring of support the likes of which I haven't seen since the terrorists came on 9/11 and caused so much death and destruction.  While no death is ever justified when at the hands of another, this massacre on Friday morning went beyond horrific to the realm of the unimaginable.  What made this tragedy so heart wrenching was the death of 20 children between the ages of 6 and 7 years old, the age of innocence, the age where nothing matters except playing with friends, going to school, and being with family.  For a child that age, there is no real concept of "murder" or "assassination".  For the most part, children this age are shielded from the horrors of the world by caring parents and in large part, from their inability to grasp a larger reality that is too often filled with death and destruction.  We as parents would never show children this age a movie or a show where someone was killed in cold blood.  We know that their little brains don't have the capability of processing such images of carnage, barbarism, and destruction of human life.  Yet, despite our best efforts to shield our children from such death and destruction, 20 young children were thrust into the middle of such barbaric acts and did not survive.   What makes it even worse is that hundreds of other children now have to deal with this frightening reality that we as adults call the real world.  Yet, even as I write that we as adults call this the "real world", there is nothing "real" about what happened on Friday.  In some ways, to our own detriment, we have grown accustomed to the news of mass killings, psychotic killers roaming around searching for an avenue to enact their sick twisted plots.  However, none of the other 15 mass killing just this year could have prepared us for the 16th one, perhaps the worst one ever considering the age of those killed.  In many ways, the events that transpired on Friday morning left all of us with many more questions than answers and I fear that for most of us, many of those questions can never be answered.  We will never know what prompted a 20 year old young man to go on this killing spree.  There will be many who make assumptions as to the motive, even more who claim to have the correct answer and response, yet I don't think any of us will ever feel that those answers are enough.  As a result of not having answers, I think we will have a much harder time healing from this tragedy than from any other.  In the days and weeks to come, we will see movements made to address the situation, we will hear from politicians and the media, yet nothing they say can ever reverse the events of Friday; events that should never have happened, yet for whatever reason did.  There are no words I can even say to make this easier on anyone involved and I would never try to offer those words as they would be largely inadequate. 

Living in Connecticut and only 20 minutes away from where this tragedy took place, it hits way too close to home.  While I didn't personally know anyone involved in the tragedy, I know people who had connections to the tragedy and I also know people who will be helping in the healing process.  I for one am having a difficult time with this tragedy.  Anything I feel is light years away from what the victims families must be going through.  The empathy I have for them as a parent myself is crushing.  I was talking to a friend yesterday and mentioned that when a mass killing happens in another state or across the country, the distance seems to lessen the gravity of the situation.  When it happens so close to home, it makes you stop and think long and hard about how something like this could have happened.  Yet, this morning as I write this post, I feel that if this tragedy happened anywhere else, I would still be affected by it.  I have a fourteen month old son, not school age yet, but I can not fathom having to go through an incident like the one on Friday.  The fact that the tragedy took the lives of such young children makes the news of it hit that much harder and that much closer to your heart.  As a writer and observer of people, I try on a regular basis to put myself in other people's shoes and feel what they are feeling, see what they are seeing, and to put it even simpler, to empathize with them.  After this tragedy, anytime I try to empathize with the families of the victims, I cry.  There is nothing I can do to stop the tears from coming when I put myself in the shoes of those parents.  If I, who was not directly connected to the tragedy that took place, am reacting the way I am, I can honestly say I would not want to be one of those parents.  Yet, in a way, it makes me realize that no matter what I do to protect my own son, there could be a day when something happens to him that I can't control.  That to me, is the hardest thing to come to terms with as a parent, the unknown evils that could visit themselves upon our family and turn life around on a dime.  This latest tragedy shows us quite literally that we never know what life has in store for us, either good or bad.  Perhaps now more than ever we need to live in the present, enjoy every day as best we can, and not think to long and hard about the past or the future.  Nothing is within our control except how we react to life, how we interact with loved ones, and how we decide to live our lives. 

For those affected, living life to the fullest will be hard to do I imagine.  Yet, I feel that with the support of the community, loved ones, and friends, most if not all will make it through.  Will they be changed?  Absolutely.  I don't think that anyone could ever endure such tragedy and not be altered fundamentally in some way.  For me, I am still processing what happened.  While I know what happened and have seen the faces of the children who were assassinated, there is still a part of me that is coming to grips with what happened.  On some level, I don't think we can ever fully process such a tragedy as this.  There are no words to say to make it better or to alleviate the pain.  There are no actions that can be taken now to make a difference outside of offering a hug or a consoling touch.  At this point, we can only grieve for the loss of those children and the adults who did their best to protect them.  Right now, Connecticut is engulfed in sorrow and disbelief.  Simply going through every day life, you see the sorrow and pain on the faces of many people, even of those who were not directly involved.  People eyes are red from grieving in their own way, and the pain is palpable, so thick in some places you could slice through it with a butter knife.  Yet there is also a deeper sense of community, one that I hope remains.  Relationships seem to be moving deeper amongst people and there seems to be more understanding.  For now, we can only pray for those directly affected.  Its comforting in a way to hear news outlets even saying that the only thing we can do is keep those in our thoughts and prayers.  I know things will go "back to normal" eventually, but for now, to hear even the President reciting Biblical verses at a vigil shows that people have not forgotten who God is.  For now, I need to stop writing, but I assure you I will have much more to say over the coming week as I think and process more.  Before I completely finish, I want to leave you with a little story that broke my heart.  I heard this yesterday at church from Fr. Tom who knows the priest in Newtown.  A father went to the priest at St. Rose of Lima in Newtown to tell him what happened Friday morning.  This man gets up very early for work as he has to leave his house by 5 A.M.  He never got to see his daughter in the morning as a result.  Friday, however, as he was getting ready for work around 4:30, his daughter got up, came downstairs, and said, "I just wanted to tell you I love you Daddy."  With that she went back upstairs and back to bed.  That was the last time he got to see his daughter and the last words he got to hear from her. 

Struggling to Awake

The cacophonous sound of my alarm clock swiftly infiltrated my deep slumber this morning, jostling me awake way before my body wanted to arise.  Its been a long week, cold days, with an average of 5 hours of sleep a night.  For any wise guys out there, no I haven't been drinking myself into a hangover for the past four days.  What I have been doing, however, is trying to finish an exterior job that I perhaps mistakenly started too late.  In addition to that, I have been chipping away at my kitchen cabinets every evening for at least 2 hours.  Today should be Friday, at least according to my weary body, yet I awoke to find I hadn't actually slept through Thursday, but unfortunately woke up on it.  Its not like I could have actually slept for a whole day, but sometimes its nice to think I might have.  The most I probably would have slept today would have been an extra 2 hours, allowing my a ripe old wake up time of 6 A.M.  Yes, 6 is a normal person's wake up time, however, I am far from normal as most of you have probably figured out by now.  In any case, I wasn't the only one who was up late last night.  I didn't even mean to stay out in my garage till the hour that I did, but that's what happens when you get involved in a project, have Andrea Bocelli playing on Pandora, and forget to periodically check the clock to see what time it is.  When I finally made it inside at about 11:45, I was surprised to see my wife awake in bed, not reading or anything, just awake.  For her, 11:45 is the middle of the night (as it is for most people) and normally she wouldn't even move as I got into bed.  Last night, however, she was up, awoken by our son who decided to start talking at 11 and not finish his babbling till 11:30.  According to her, it was quite hilarious to hear our son pick up with his babbling seemingly out of no where and for no apparent reason.  Well, we know the real reason, but didn't expect it to express itself in the form of babbling in the middle of the night.  You see, he is back to getting some tough teeth in.  In addition to his molars which are probably just about breaking through his gums, he is also getting at least one of his incisors on his upper set of teeth. 

As a result of all this teething, he looks like you turned on a faucet to a slow drip and put it in his mouth.  The drool is incessant to the point where he needs a change of clothes just from drool at least twice a day.  Drool is the least of his worries, however, as whatever teeth are coming in has also created a Niagara Falls of baby snot that issues continuously forth from his nose.  Well, if you couldn't guess where I am going with this, I will tell you.  All that snot has built up for a few days leaving our son with a nice cough.  He has been having a little trouble going to sleep due to the occasional cough, but he eventually falls asleep and when he does, the cough mostly dissipates.  Despite his drool, his marathon nose, and his cough, he is dealing remarkably well with his incoming teeth.  While he has been a little more cranky than usual, there has been no screaming or permanent crocodile tears affixed to his face.  He is our tough little monkey (obviously not a monkey, but for any skeptics out there, he is not a monkey).  So in regards to his not quite sleepless, but interrupted sleep night, I am guessing that he will be pretty tired today.  That makes two of us.  While we both have long days ahead of us; him playing, hopefully napping, eating, and pooping; me working, working, working, and playing darts; I think I have the longer and more stressful one.  It will only be more stressful in the fact that I won't be getting to bed till about midnight tonight and tomorrow should leave me completely exhausted.  Unfortunately and fortunately, I am watching little man tomorrow.  Its unfortunate because I will be tired, which I wish I wasn't when watching him, and fortunate because if he does decide to nap tomorrow, you bet your pinky I will be napping as well.  I usually do decide to nap when he is napping on our days together, tomorrow just might be a necessity for me (as it should be for him although some days he opts not to nap at all).  In any case, I am on my third cup of coffee right now with no measurable effect yet on my state of wakefulness.  If only my espresso machine was out and function, I would make myself about 13 shots of espresso.  Okay, 13 may be a little much, but my body and mind are screaming for caffeine right now.  I have a feeling that today I might need to take a little nap after lunch just to make it all the way through today. 

For now, I must end my writing for a couple of reasons.  The first and most important is that I need to go get my son out of bed and start our normal morning of pandemonium.  The second reason is that my fingers and mind don't seem to be completely in sync this morning and typing is getting incredibly difficult for me.  Typing is usually fairly easy, but there is a lapse in the connections between my brain and body right now.  Its almost like my mind is in China trying to control my body in Iceland over a land line.  There is an incredible delay and there is not much I can do except hope that with every sip of coffee my mind and body come closer together.  I don't know why I picked China and Iceland, but they seemed pretty far apart and worth putting into the comparison.  Enough.  My babbling must stop before I start typing da da da da da da.   Wait, its too late, I've lost control and don't know how to stop.  I think I need to hit Control Alt Delete and reboot my brain.  Houston, we have a problem...

Christmas Spirit

Let me first start by saying that Christmas is not about toys.  I know, its hard to believe with the glut of commercials we are bombarded with daily informing us of the latest deals, the latest gadgets and toys, and of course, reminding us not to forgot to buy presents for someone.  If my wife is reading this, she is probably staring in disbelief as we just had a discussion the other day about toys for our son.  I am of the feeling that a few toys here and there, especially on Christmas is OK.  For this Christmas, we have come to the conclusion that our son really doesn't need any more toys than he has.  But I don't want to focus on our family and our lack of toys for our son.  He does have some, but we both feel that buying an excessive amount of toys for him will do absolutely nothing.  I guess the only reason I am holding on to the feeling of at least getting him a few toys in coming years is that I really enjoyed getting presents on Christmas, opening them, and playing with them.  Yet now I question what that did to me as I look back and to a certain extent long to buy our son toys.  I never got everything I wanted, but I usually got a few of my favorite items of my list.  Did the amount of presents I received when I was younger distort my vision of what Christmas is really about?  Perhaps it did if I think about it now and my feelings on Christmas.  Even now, at my current age, I still enjoy getting presents and opening them on Christmas day.  Yet isn't Christmas more about giving without expectation of receiving than just about receiving.  In this day and age, anyone can go online and read horror stories about children throwing tantrums over not getting exactly what they wanted or even about parents getting into fights over who gets to buy the last toy truck in a store for their child.  What have we come to when we choose to spend our money, often times on items that never get used, for people who really don't need anything anyway?   There are parents out there who are changing the way Christmas works in their household, but I fear that it isn't nearly enough to make a big difference.  My wife and I have been talking about how we want to deal with Christmas in the future with our son and we both had ideas that I think will work quite well moving forward. 

The first idea was one that my wife actually heard of from one of her colleagues.  That idea is that our son would receive only three presents for Christmas; a book, something he needs, and something he wants.  I kind of like that idea, but I heard of one that I think can be built into my wife's idea.  I would take hers and add a present on to the "want" section, thus making it four presents that he would receive.  Out of the two presents that he "wants", he would have to choose one that would be given to a child in need.  This way, perhaps our son will come to realize over the years that it is not only about what you get, but what you are willing to give to others out of what you have.  Most of the stuff we have lying around never gets used anyway, so why not have our son make the decision of what he wants more and give the other present away.  Perhaps by doing this, we can negate his potential expectation of getting what he wants just because he asked for it.  This year, obviously, would not be a good year to start as he is not talking yet and doesn't understand the concept of receiving presents or for that matter giving presents.  As for my wife and I, we don't plan on doing much shopping whatsoever.  After a while, it gets difficult trying to decide what other people want or could actually use.  Outside of books for reading and some odd little trinkets, there is not much we could give that would be worth while.  Both of us would much rather have time spent with family than an excessive amount of gifts to unwrap on Christmas morning.  (Trust me, there is still a part of me that yearns to have a huge pile of presents, I just know that it is not worth it now.)  As for myself, I made the decision a few weeks ago that I would do more to help those in actual need during the Christmas season and once started there, continue the effort throughout the year.  So how did I start that?  Well, in my travels as a painting contractor, I often times run across a homeless person standing at a busy intersection, holding a cardboard sign stating their situation, often times looking run down, haggard, and in need of some help.  Some will scoff at these people saying that they will just take any money given to them and go buy booze.  Yet, making that assumption could make that homeless person's life more difficult if they really were going to use that money to buy food for themselves or at least get a hot meal.  I used to think that same thought, yet recently have come to realize that regardless of what they use the money for, they obviously need it for something.  So last week I went on a mission to find a homeless person, I don't know why, I just did. 

I found that person, standing on the median of the entrance to a Stop and Shop (grocery store) in Milford.  When I first saw him, I passed right by as I needed to get to an appointment.  However, once I was done with my appointment, I went back hoping he would be where I saw him, and sure enough, he was.  At first I debated whether I should just give him money or offer to buy him dinner at a local diner down the road.  My ultimate decision, at least last week, was to just give him money.  So I pulled into the parking lot, turned around, and headed out the exit where he was waiting.  As I pulled up, I rolled down my window and motioned for him to come over.  Once he got to my van, I handed him a 10 dollar bill.  I could have chosen a five or single, but I chose ten because at least he could get a decent meal at a diner or for those skeptics out there, an extra large bottle of cheap booze.  He was grateful for the ten and went on to explain that the center that offers food doesn't open unless the temperature drops below a certain point.  I don't know if its the truth or not, but frankly I don't care.  This gentleman was very appreciative of the gift and thanked me profusely.  I consequently pulled away when the light turned green, the man still standing there in his spot hoping for a few more handouts.  I felt good, not just because I had given money way, but there seemed to be a sense of peace that came over me.  I can't explain it other than to say it felt like I did the right thing at the right time.  That, to me, is what Christmas should be about.  Imagine if everyone took ten dollars out of the pile that they would normally use on presents for family and instead gave it to someone in need?  Well, you get the picture, a big difference would be made in the lives of those who are less fortunate or have fallen on hard times.  I am not relating this story simply to improve my image because frankly, I don't care what people think of me or what I do.  I related this story to share what I did for a total stranger who looked in need of help.  That's all, nothing more, nothing less, except maybe my story will inspire someone else to lend a helping hand either monetarily or physically.  Just think about how many people we just pass by every day who are down on their luck and could us any time of help, even if it is just getting a ride to a destination.  Maybe we can bring back the true Christmas spirit of giving to others without expectation of anything in return.  Its an uphill battle, but maybe, just maybe, its one we can win. 

Working With the Elderly

After yesterday, I understand why some people feel driven to work with the elderly.  Don't worry, I will explain.  I took a trip to see Baba yesterday with my mother, my weekly trip coinciding nicely with her daily trip.  When we got down to Westport and up to Baba's room, she wasn't there.  Surprisingly, one of the nurses there was able to convince Baba to eat her dinner in the dining room with a number of the other residents.  Upon walking into the dining room, which was silent upon entering, we saw about 15 residents including Baba waiting for their dinner to arrive.  In a way, it was saddening to walk into that dining room and see the residents there, some severely disabled either mentally, physically, or both, waiting in silence for their dinner.  It wasn't that silence was required, there was a TV set to the Turner Movie Classics channel(I think that's what TMC stands for) playing some old black and white film, it was just that most residents couldn't talk very much or didn't want to.  So in the silence of the room, my mother and I sat down with Baba and waited with her for dinner to arrive.  We talked about the day, how foggy it was outside, the good lunch that Baba had but doesn't remember exactly what it was, and the length of time it was taking for dinner to arrive.  During the conversation I had some time to look around the room and see who else was sharing in the dining experience.  At Baba's table there were three other women.  During the whole time we were there, only one of the women at the table uttered a word, and it was one word when dinner was served to her.  She looked to have some sort of continuous muscle spasm in her arms that she tried to hide by keeping her arms crossed in front of her.  She looked down mostly with only occasional glances at us to see who we were and to just stare.  She didn't look completely out of it like some of the other people in the room did, but she definitely had a reserved look on her face, her brilliant blue eyes trying to discern the activities around her, but mostly, just keeping to herself.  The woman sitting next to her, for lack of a better comparison, looked like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy albeit completely clothed.  Her head was sunk so far into her chest I wondered once if she could even raise it.  Her hand was slightly askew, tucked almost permanently under her chin to cover her mouth when she coughed, and she looked completely drawn into herself.  She didn't say one word the whole time.  There was another lady there as well in a wheel chair who couldn't keep her eyes steady for one minute.  All of this made me wonder what Baba must be like when she doesn't have visitors.  Does she talk to any of the other residents or does she mostly keep to herself, seated in the corner of her room, reading away the remaining time she has?  I would have to guess that she mostly sits alone in her room for the majority of the day. 

What struck me most when I was looking around the room was how lonely everyone looked.  Despite the fact that there were 15 of them gathered together in the room, most of them looked withdrawn, stuck in their own little world despite the company around them.  Out of all the people in the room, I think only three or four of them uttered a word while we were in there, which was about 45 minutes in all.  One of the other people in the room was the gentleman I spoke of yesterday who went and got a package of cookies for my son.  He didn't look completely out of it, he just looked as if he hadn't had a visitor in a while, which I am guessing by both my mother's and Baba's accounts, is probably accurate.  I don't know if he does have family close by and they just neglect to see him or if he truly is all alone with no one to visit.  Whatever the case may be, it was saddening to see.  The bright spot out of all of this was the people who worked there and the patience and joy they had in working with the residents.  When the food finally came, enough for the entire floor, they took their time bringing it to those gathered in the dining room, cutting the food as needed, preparing tea, opening containers, and in some cases, helping the residents eat their food.  There was joy on their faces as they went around the room, serving food and helping those that needed it.  There was also a sense of peace about them, a gentleness that could only fit in their line of work, helping those who can't help themselves anymore.  I am sure it is often a thankless job, one whose real benefit is the joy derived from helping someone else.  Most of the residents in the dining room barely acknowledged the employees, not out of spite, just because they were completely sucked into their own little worlds.  I don't think I could work with the elderly on a daily basis, but I applaud those that can and actually want to.  Where does one get the drive to take on such a job as they have?  Is it something they experienced when they were younger that brought them to work with the elderly or did they just have it in them and knew that this line of work was for them?  I don't know, but I have a feeling it isn't something that you just wake up one day and decide to do for the rest of your life, there must be some deep seated desire to help others. 

For me, I feel driven to visit the gentleman who gave my son the cookies, even if it is just for a few minutes.  Next time I go to see Baba, which will be next week most likely, I will probably search out this man and spend a few minutes talking to him.  If it is indeed true that he never gets any visitors, he could probably use the company of someone who isn't normally there.  I can't imagine what it must be like to live in an assisted living facility and have no one come to visit you.  What makes it even worse is the fact that many of the people you live with are either incapable of talking or don't want to.  I think about my day sometimes and the lack of human contact I occasionally have while painting in a room by myself and I hate it.  I couldn't imagine being in a situation with plenty of people around yet no one to really talk to or at least no one who is willing to listen extensively to your stories.  From all appearances, this man seems very nice, perhaps not entirely "with it" anymore, but still capable of at least some conversation.  All this talk of loneliness makes me wonder if being in a place like Baba is in actually helps or if it just accelerates the decline of whatever ailment the residents there have.  It would seem to me that in a good number of cases, living in a place like that, surrounded by residents who can't or won't really talk to you, doesn't help anyone's situation.  Yet what can one do.  Despite visiting relatives there, which usually lasts for only an hour or so, there isn't much that can be done.  There isn't an employee for every resident there, it just isn't feasible.  Yet at the same time, it is comforting to know that the people there are being care for when no one else can.  Even in Baba's situation, it is better that she is there than anywhere else.  My family can't afford a live in nurse to take care of  Baba's every need and make sure she is safe all day long.  It is not easy for anyone involved, but at least the residents have what they need, a warm bed, good food, and help when they need it.  That, above all else, is the most important thing for them at this stage of their life.  Human contact with others trails close behind.  Some get the interaction they need such as Baba, others don't.  I will at least do my part to try and visit with the kind older gentleman when I visit Baba, even if it is just for ten minutes. 

Old and New

Our little family went to go visit Baba (my grandmother) on Saturday.  I had told Baba earlier in the week that we would try and go see her over the weekend and lo and behold, we were able to make that happen.  It is not always easy to eke out the extra time on a weekend when the laundry list of unfinished weekly tasks gets dragged out from under the pile of accumulated mail, but we made it happen.  Luckily there were no enormous tasks planned for the weekend outside of getting a Christmas tree for our house.  So instead of making two separate trips out, one to see Baba and one to get a Christmas tree, we made it one long trip that lasted a good 5 hours including travel time.  The first stop was to go see Baba.  When we got there, my wife and son waited down in the lobby while I went to go get Baba from her room.  The main reason for them not going up to Baba's room was to avoid any germs that might be floating around on the upper floors.  That and what I came to realize would be an influx of elderly swarming our son kept us all down in the lobby.  When I went to go get Baba, she was utterly surprised.  As is the norm now, she didn't remember my name, in fact she thought I was my brother, but she was more than ready to make the trip downstairs to see her great grandson.  She was overjoyed when she got downstairs and saw our son running around the lobby, playing with his cups, and just being a normal 14 month old boy, nuts.  We sat and played, talked, and the whole time Baba had a huge smile plastered on her face.  She couldn't stop talking about our son.  It was completely adorable.  While we were there, a few other elderly people came to the lobby to visit.  One was a woman confined to a wheel chair, partially disabled, with a pink helmet covered in little stars on her head.  She couldn't even use her hands to propel herself forwards, she needed to use her feet to inch her way forwards in her wheel chair.  When she approached, our son looked a little shocked.  The lady was holding our her hand to hold our son's hand briefly, except he wanted nothing to do with the distorted extended hand.  I showed him how she wouldn't hurt him by holding her hand, but nothing would bring him closer than 2 feet to the lady.  To his credit, he didn't go run and hide or scream his head off, he just crouched and stared, bewildered almost at the look of this lady.  I don't know what happened to this lady, or what her current predicament was, but she was kind and gentle hearted, only wanting to get a glimpse at the new life scurrying around the lobby.  She left for a little bit, came back and tried again to no avail, and then left after a few minutes for the second time.  I only hope that people come to visit her there.  It seems that overall, there aren't as many visitors as I would have expected for a Saturday.  But maybe that is just me. 

In the midst of running around, catching our son whenever he would try to run out of the lobby and down the hall, another gentleman with a walker came to the lobby and sat for a little bit to watch our son and his antics.  He talked to Baba a little bit, asked our son's name, but was otherwise fairly quiet.  It seemed he just wanted to sit there and watch our son for a little while.  After a few minutes, he ambled away with his walker, only to return with a package of little cookies for our son.  He was very kind, offered them to our son, but as with the other older lady in the wheel chair, our son didn't get closer than 2 feet to the gentleman.  I took the cookies for him, knowing quite well that we would be eating them instead due to the fact that our son has not eaten cookies yet, and thanked the man profusely.  After the man left, Baba mentioned that he is all alone at the facility with no one coming to visit him.  I don't know if its the truth or not due to Baba's faltering memory, however I have a tendency to believe she is not far off the mark as he was overly friend with anyone he saw, probably in an effort to at least have some human contact outside of the normal residents there.  When I heard that he was essentially all alone, my heart went out to him.  Its disheartening to think that there are probably a good number of people at this facility who don't have that many people who come to visit them, if any at all.  I can't imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes; elderly, on the decline in life, most with a disability of some sort, and have relatively few if any visitors, not even family.  No wonder they get excited when they see a little child running around, reminding them of new life just starting off, no prejudices, no biases, only curiosity and in the case of our son, perhaps a little fear.  Even Baba who has visitors regularly (my mother almost every day, me once a week), got overly excited when she got to see her great grandson.  When asked how she remembers my son, she had only this to say, "This is something new, how could I forget?"  It just goes to show how innocence sometimes trumps everything else around.  Baba remembers her parts of her childhood, some events and people in the middle of her life, and she definitely remembers our son.  Perhaps it is those times that bring the greatest amount of joy that stick in her mind.  I must correct myself as she probably experience such joy at the birth of my mother, my late aunt, her other grandchildren, etcetera; my son just happens to be the most recent addition to our family and the one that Baba is closest to in time.  Who knows how it all gets filtered in her head, I sure don't, but I do know that it made Baba's day as she couldn't stop talking about it when my mother went to visit her later. 

On the part of my son, I can understand his "fear" or uncertainty of the elderly.  After all, he is used to seeing younger people on a regular basis, ones without excessive wrinkles and the occasional deformity.  There is more uncertainty or fear amongst the elderly than with other people.  He doesn't have too many problems with my grandmothers.  My grandfather, Dziadziu however, is a different story.  Despite the fact that he sees Babci and Dziadziu (grandma and grandpa in Polish), he still gets a little scared when he sees Dziadziu.  On Thanksgiving, when my grandparents were leaving, I witnessed an interesting occurrence with our son.  I was holding him in my arms when they were leaving and Dziadziu came up to say goodbye.  He got real close to give my son and I a kiss.  When he got to my son, he started quivering in my arms, totally uncertain and a little freaked out.  To be honest, as much as I love Dziadziu, he does look a little freaky now (and I mean that in the best possible way).  His ears are elongated, his nose as well, and he is hunched and wrinkled.  Essentially, he looks like an older person, probably the way I will look when I approach that age.  But it is what it is, our son doesn't know any better yet, hasn't had the exposure and definitely doesn't have the understanding yet that this is how people age.  We start small and wrinkle free and as we grow and deteriorate, our skin starts to sag, as does our bodies, and we almost regress towards the point in which we started.  The only difference is, every part of our body doesn't shrink in sync.  We may start to sag physically, but our skin does not shrink accordingly, nor does our hair retain its sheen.  Its part of life that will take a while for our son to figure out and get accustomed to.  I am still glad that he gets to see his great grandparents on a fairly regular basis.  Even if he doesn't yet understand the generations present when we gather, almost stretching a hundred years, perhaps he feels it or at least gets an inkling (although that is probably also a stretch).  There is so much that he still has to learn.  Right now, everything is simple and according to his plan (which no one else knows about).  I love seeing the interaction between old and new though, my grandparents and him and the joy that he brings to them.  As we were sitting in the lobby with Baba, she couldn't help but tell everyone that walked by that my son was her great grandson, she was just so excited to be able to witness this new bubbly life that she needed to share.  I can at least rest knowing that she had a good day on Saturday and hope that more days are good rather than bad for her. 

Toy Drive Today

I am going to have to keep this post brief today.  As is usual for a Thursday, I didn't make it home till about 11:45 last night and once again I was up at 4 A.M.  But its not the lack of sleep that is driving me to keep my post brief today, rather it is my early departure from my home that is the driving factor.  So why will I be leaving my house at 5 A.M. you ask?  Well, every year around this time a local radio station, 99.1 WPLR, holds a toy drive to collect toys and money for children in Connecticut who without the effort of toy drives around the state would not have any presents to open on Christmas morning.  I do not go every year, but this year I felt the need to go again.  I am not just bringing down a toy that I bought, but instead am bringing down about 4 shopping bags full of toys gathered by my networking group, Greater Milford BNI.  It may not be much, but every toy counts.  To make it even more worth it to leave my house at 5 in the morning to get there when the toy drive starts is the fact that The Marshall Tucker Band will be playing for free all morning when they are not broadcasting.  Talk about a deal!  All you need to get in is a toy valued at $20 or more or a cash donation.  Oh yeah, they will have coffee and food there as well local politicians, dignitaries, and others to support this effort.  I am planning on only going for about an hour, but I may end up staying longer if it is a really good time.  I guess we shall just have to wait and see.  So if your up and reading this and live near Bridgeport, CT, come join me down at the Webster Bank Arena at Harbor Yard for some good times.  Till my next post, lets all try and go out of our way to help someone in need this weekend. 

Bye Bye Home Daycare

Well, the days of home day care will officially be coming to end unfortunately.  As much as my wife and I would love to find someone to watch Nathaniel out of their home during the week, we have had no luck finding a suitable person to do so.  We seriously lucked out last year with finding a woman from our church who was able to watch him three days a week with myself taking two days off to stay at home.  This year, come January, the woman who watched him previously is unavailable and my wife's mom, who is watching him now, will be heading down to Florida for the winter and as such, she won't be able to watch him.  Such is life.  Unfortunately at this time, neither my wife or I can afford to take off five days a week to watch our son as it takes both our incomes to sustain our household.  That leaves us with two options, a home day care provider or a regular daycare facility (I hate using the word facility, there is just something impersonal and sterile about the word, but alas, it is the one that fits best I guess).  So moving on.  It has been a few weeks of interviews, visits, tours, questions, dissatisfaction, and finally, acceptance and comfort.  Let me start at the beginning.  My wife and I originally started looking for a home day care provider to watch our son full time.  To put it blunt, we made it through about 4 before realizing that we would probably need to expand our options in order to find something by January without getting overly stressed.  Those first four (it may have been three) just didn't make the grade.  In a few situations, it was the damn TV that killed the deal.  We currently haven't let our son watch any TV at all due to the fact that there is nothing we feel that is imperative for him to see on that screen.  The same goes for technology at this point as well.  Anyway, one had the TV on non-stop, the other said she didn't really watch much TV but it was apparent through the kids incessant badgering to watch TV that we felt she wasn't being completely honest.  No and no.  There was another that was OK, but was insisted that we pay for the whole summer despite the fact that my wife has the summer off and wouldn't be bringing him to day care.  She actually had a nice setup for the kids, but she didn't pass muster due to that one issue and no flexibility.  There may have been another before we started inspecting regular daycare providers (there's a word that follows daycare much better than facility).  So the next round of fun began.

There were four "standard" daycare providers that we had selected to look at for our son.  One was eliminated immediately due to negative comments we received before even looking at it.  Upon hearing anything negative whatsoever in regards to a provider that will be watching our son, we walk away.  Another one, the Explorer's Club, had a 15 child waiting list and was the one was wanted due to its being highly regarded by parents everywhere, but we declined to look at it simply because there was a 15 child waiting list.  That left us with two options, the commercialized Kindercare, which is a nationwide daycare/preschool type provider and Surreybrook Daycare, a privately owned, one of a kind, daycare provider.  We did our due diligence, looked at both, researched to see if there were any complaints issued against either one, and at the end of the day, found the better of them.  Kindercare turned out to be just what I thought it might be, a commercial daycare provider stuck in an ugly square building in close proximity to a building materials place.  Inside was no better, the walls were painted a sterile, unattractive white, the room that he would be spending his whole day in with 8 other children was smaller than my living room, and there seemed to be an overall lack of warmth.   On top of that, we found that there were four complaints issued against the place within the past 2 years and that, along with the overall sterility of the place crossed themselves off the list.  Surreybrook was the complete opposite.  As soon as we walked in, it felt much warmer, much more inviting, and there was much more cheer amongst the children there than at Kindercare.  Every wall was painted a different color, they had a small rock climbing wall, about 4 feet high, and while there was a room our son would be in for a good part of the day, it was bigger, more colorful, and "warmer" than the other.  In addition, there were other rooms that he would go to for crafts and other activities so he wouldn't be confined for one whole day in one room.  Even more inviting was the fact that they went on nature walks, mini field trips, and had animals brought in to see and interact with.  Needless to say, my wife and I felt comfortable with Surreybrook and felt it would be a good fit for our son. 

There was one other home daycare provider that I went to look at with our son, and actually liked quite a bit.  That being said, the deal breaker on that one came when I found out I couldn't drop off our son before 8 A.M.  That is just too late for either my wife or I and that one got dropped off our list as well.  In all fairness, despite the fact that we feel Surreybrook will be the best fit out of all the ones we have looked at, my wife is going to interview one more home daycare provider today.  We shall see.  If we left it up to our son, I don't think he would care where he ended up.  I went with him yesterday to three places and at every one he got down, started playing with the toys and children, and looked like he was having a grand old time.  If he is shy at all, it is only for about a minute before he wants to get down and start exploring everything around him.  But it is not his decision, so we will have to make the final one.  Another big difference that I noticed between Surreybrook and Kindercare is that at Surreybrook, both ladies I talked to sat right down on the floor with the kids and asked me to do the same whereas at Kindercare, both ladies stood the whole time and seemed less involved with the kids.  If anything, almost every other word out of their mouths was about maintaining the "ratio" of kids to adults.  Ehh, they are off the list anyway.  There seems to be more flexibility at Surreybrook to the point where I could probably take off a day every other week to spend with our son and they wouldn't have a problem with it.  I don't think I could quit my day off cold turkey.  I don't even think I would want to entirely.  If it means that I get a little less work done every other week, than so be it.  If they do have a problem with it, I will have words with them and politely explain that since we are paying for the whole week, I can do what I want.  But I doubt it will come to that.  Well, thats my story about daycare searching.  As I told my wife many times when she was getting stressed out over finding a place for our son, trust your gut.  If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right.  One thing I have learned is that our guts our normally right about things.  We just have to get out of our heads and listen to them.  We also have to keep in mind what will be best for our son, not what will be best or most convenient for us.  I think we have found a place that meets all our requirements and will hope that they continue to do so.  For now, I will simply enjoy the time I have with my son.