It has only been four full days since we brought our son to the hospital where he was diagnosed with diabetes. It's only been four full days since we were thrown a slow curve-ball and now have to reconfigure out hitting posture. And yet, it feels like four full weeks already. I think I speak for every parent who has a child recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, cancer, or some other life altering condition when I say that there is so much more that comes with the diagnosis than originally thought. I will say again that I feel blessed it is only diabetes and not something more life threatening and debilitating. Yet, this is the beginning of a new journey for my family and I, and so far, it has been exhausting. I have had minimal time with my wife as she took the days to spend with our son in the hospital and I took nights. Yet, every time we do actually get to talk, we make sure we utilize that time to its fullest and try and get at least a small amount of personal time with each other. Those nights, though, I tell you, were hard, and now, are getting harder. What started with 3 nights on a "not so luxurious" hospital couch/bed, has morphed into largely sleep deprived nights. From the get go, our son wanted me to be the one to test his blood sugar through the night instead of a strange nurse. So I obliged. Every three hours; 9, 12, and 3 AM I have been up to test his blood sugar. And for the foreseeable future until we figure out exactly what his little body needs, I will be getting up at those times and testing him. So while I got to sleep in our comfortable bed last night, the sleep that I did get was constantly interrupted. While I would like to have it another way, I would trade it with no one just to be able to help our son out. If this is what he needs from me, then this is what I will do. I may just be overly empty of energy and emotional capability right now, but that is exactly why God made coffee, for those parents on sleepless nights who need to be there for their child no matter what.
The interrupted sleep isn't the worst part right now, though. It just makes the rest of the job harder. The worst part, which I pray will get easier sooner rather than later are the insulin shots that our son needs to receive twice a day; before breakfast and before dinner. He has fought every single one (unless he has been sleeping), and while he admits they barely hurt at all, every time has brought delay tactics on his part and except for a few times, a spirited fight to the point where we need to hold him down in order to administer the shots. The blood curdling scream that comes out of him cuts through every fiber of my body like nails through a helium balloon, deflating my spirit and making me wish I could take his place. But I can't. Every single time, after the shots are over, I hold him tight and make sure he knows I hate to do this. So far, he has bounced right back after the shots and returns back to normal, but despite the calm I strive to bring over myself before each encounter with the needles, it hasn't yet helped. Despite the long conversations we have with him about why we need to do this and why this is now a part of his life, his 5 year old brain can't quite grasp the seriousness of it. Understanding and acceptance I know will come, but it sure isn't easy right now. At least he is getting good at letting us test his blood sugar most of the time. And the shots won't have to be forever we tell him as they now have insulin pumps that can be used instead of the needles. But for now, and until we get this down and he becomes accepting of it and grows a bit older, the needles are the only way.
And then there is is boisterous sister. The dynamics of having all of us back in the house yesterday after 3 days of mayhem were a struggle. Our daughter has no concept of why this is all happening right now and merely wants the attention of her mommy and daddy. I have no problem splitting my attention between the two of them, but at least right now, their desire to be the only recipient of our attention is a struggle. This to, will get better, especially now that we are all home and inching back to a more normal life. However, things will inevitably be different. How can they not? It is just now a matter of paying even closer attention to the needs of both of them and ensuring that our daughter feels she is not being pushed aside. So far so good, and we plan on making it stay that way. I think I have used up my limited amount of brain power this morning as words and thoughts are beginning to elude me, to sink back to the nether reaches of my consciousness. A gentle fog is inching its way in, pushing me back towards sleep, but at this point, coffee is what will get me through. It may not get rid of the fog today, but at least it can eat away at the edges and perhaps create the illusion in my mind of being fully awake and functioning. We shall see, we shall see.
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