To Remember or Not

I went to go visit my grandmother, Baba, yesterday down in Westport.  It had been only about two weeks since I last went to visit her, yet, despite the relatively short period of time between visits, I still arrived uncertain as to how I would find her.  At this point, I hold no expectations as to what her memory might retain or not for that matter.   Despite the fact that she has not forgotten that I am her grandson or the fact that I have a son (whose name is still embedded in her brain like a branding iron), I don't know what else she will remember.  Even in regards to me, I know that one day I will arrive and she will have no idea who I am.   I hope that day doesn't happen anytime soon, but I know that it will come, sooner or later.   Outside of her immediate family, which depending on the day could be smaller or larger in her memory, she has very few other things she remembers at this point.  She does know that the building across the street from where she lives is a school and she often times walks to that window simply to look out, enjoy the sun a little, and also the view.  Yet that seems to be one of the few mainstays left that she remembers.  When I went to visit her yesterday I was a little worried if she would remember me or not as I had shaved off my hefty beard and mustache in the morning.  As I was walking down the hall to see her, she was slowly making her way towards me.  As I approached, she look up and got this really puzzled, confused look on her face.  It wasn't until I was about 3 feet away and said, "Hi, Baba," that she recognized who I was without my facial hair.  I was grateful that I didn't have to try and explain what happened or who I was.  Once she recognized me, she immediately set out on her mission to tell everyone who I was.  She told the nurses at the station, she walked up to everyone in the dining room and told them who I was, and of course anyone else we ran into had to be stopped so she could tell them that I was her grandson.  She seemed so proud.  I chuckled to myself a little here and there, not at her, but at her personality.   When we were in the dining room, mostly full of patients who don't understand or can't respond, she went up to one lady who was moaning and flailing a little and asked, "Why are you making that ugly face? Stop making that ugly face.  This is my grandson."  It was odd, but tinged with a bit of humor if you knew my grandmother.  She also tried to have me shake all their hands as we were leaving to go back to her room.  I didn't even bother because most of them didn't know I was there or couldn't function to the point of shaking my hand.  I just let it go. 

 

I was thrown off a few times here and there by what she said.  On our way to the dining room, she pointed out the school across the street that she likes to look at, a good display of her memory or what little she has left.  Yet moments later as we sat briefly in the dining room, which faces the opposite direction of the school, she pointed to the two wings of her building and told me that it was a school as well except she didn't know how old the kids were that went there.  At the same time she also told me there was a baby crying earlier in the school (her building) and that she didn't know where the baby came from.  I've learned that some things are better left uncorrected at this point.  She knows what she thinks she knows and that will be that.  I have also learned that at this point it is mostly better to talk to her, tell her stories about what is going on in my life and my families life than to let her get on her loops.  Her brief stories that she tells, while occasionally lasting a little longer than a minute, are mostly just repeated loops that she gets stuck on.  I have found that if I simply talk to her, tell her stories, she seems to be much better off.   That isn't to say I don't let her talk, however the moment I hear her going into one of her loops I tell her another story of my son and how he is developing.  I change things around so that we don't focus on one aspect of him and it seems to go fairly well.  Even with that, she can still get stuck on one loop and keep on going back to that as if it is the one thing she remembers at that point in time.  I was there for about an hour yesterday and by the end of the hour, I could tell that she was getting a little tired, her loops were more insistent, her demeanor getting sluggish, and her fantasy world was starting to creep in.  While the whole visit was very good and she even remembered my wife's name one time on her own (an astonishment to me), I could tell by the end that I had to go.  I could have stayed there for another hour, but I think it would have pushed her a little too far.   For a brief period before I left, every time she heard a man's voice in the hallway, she asked me if David had gotten home (my dad).  At first I said no, that he wasn't coming, but at her repeated insistence that he had actually arrived home due to the male voice in the hallway, I conceded that maybe he had. 

 

As I was leaving, we went to go look for both my mom and dad.  We went down the hallway that her room is on (also the hallway that doubles as a school for children) and halfway down she started calling for my mom and looking in every room we passed to see if she was there.  I told her I didn't think she was here right now.  She agreed shortly after that she probably wasn't and then said she would walk me to the elevator.  It almost seems at this point that her whole live is being condensed in her mind to a very brief period of time.  Her entire life of over 90 years is being shortened in her mind to a year maybe two.  Yet at times it seems like she remembers more than she does.  It can be disconcerting to someone who isn't aware of what is going on.  I simply enjoy the time I spend with her and the enjoyment I see on her face when I tell her about my son.  She told me yesterday that she doesn't dream anymore (which to me says she doesn't remember) and has a hard time telling if she slept well or not.  Perhaps most disconcerting to me is the fact that she doesn't read anymore.  It probably isn't that fact that she doesn't want to, she just probably doesn't remember to read.  So the one book she has remains in her drawer with her bookmark keeping the same page marked.  It hasn't moved in weeks, neither the book or the bookmark, and probably won't move again.  She will on occasion flip through magazines, but that is about it.  I don't know what she does all day, and it is probably best that I don't.  I try not to get sad when I think about what she doesn't do anymore, but it never happens, the tears always come.  Instead I mostly focus on her as she was and her personality now, nothing else.  As long as I can here her talk to me and I can tell her stories about my life and my wife and son, then nothing else matters at this point.  She still gets excited to see me, still wants to know about her great grandson, and her curiosity at that is what keeps me happy right now.  I tell myself every time I walk into her building not to think to much, just to be, to enjoy, and to remember.  So far, I have been able to do that.  We shall see what happens in the future, but for now, she is OK.

Time to Shave

With the warm weather yesterday, it got me thinking that it is about time to shave.  For the better part of the day, all I wore outside was a T-shirt and jeans, no jacket, no long sleeved shirt...it was amazing.   Yet, while it was wonderful to be able to drive around with the window all the way down, I also started thinking about the impending heat and my beard and moustache that I have been growing since last September.  It isn't tremendously long despite the fact that parts of it haven't been shaved since last September (my hair just doesn't grow very fast), its just that I hate having long facial hair when I start sweating.  It just isn't my cup of tea.  While the beard/moustache was nice for the winter in keeping my face somewhat protected from the harsh wind, the spring and summer are a totally different story.  So today, it all comes off, down to bare skin.  It will be drastic change in appearance and I am sure it will shock many people who have gotten used to my pointed beard and handlebar moustache, but it all has to go.  I will have to take a picture of it for it has never been this long before, ever, and I just might post that picture either here or on Facebook just so people can see what I look like compared to my outdated profile picture, but then again, maybe I won't.  In any case, today's blog is about to wrap up because instead of writing this morning, I got to talking with my wife instead.  Unlike some people who can multi-task, I can not do so.  If I try having a conversation with someone, everything else stops.  I could be cooking dinner and if someone (such as my wife) engages me in conversation, everything I was doing stops.  Even if I am in the middle of stirring the vegetables in a frying pan, I will stop mid stir to carry on a conversation.  But I digress, I ramble, and perhaps that is what I was meant to do this morning seeing as that is where my fingers are taking me.  I don't seem to have control of what is getting put on the screen and sometimes I actually enjoy it.  It is more of stream of conscious writing that often times eludes me because I tend to think to much about what I am writing in order to keep it on topic (shaving) and to try and edit while writing.  So much for that today.  Perhaps it is the crazy rambling dreams I had last night that brought me from a weird Florida coast to some house with windows that I was working on with my old business partner to a lawyer I worked for who I was going to talk to about a will but ended up having a Mickey Mouse book in place of a will and then I was walking through Bridgeport trying to get home even though I thought I was on roller blades but wasn't and ended up running into an old friend who suggested we take the bus at which point I mentioned I had never taken the bus before so we got on and I was searching for money and beep, beep, beep, beep.   That was my alarm clock going off.  A little reminiscent of Jack Kerouac?  Perhaps, but not nearly as polished or fluid or narrative, just me rambling in the morning letting my fingers go wild.  I had started talking about shaving, which I will still do today.  I haven't forgotten about that, I just got mildly off track.  In any case, perhaps it was just that I got the spring fever, the feeling that all is right with the world and that the flowers will soon be populating all the gardens, the buds on the trees will soon start exploding, showering their pollen everywhere and making it seem like the last blizzard of winter, even though its not.  Did I mention I love walking around our yard every morning before work to see how much the flowers have grown?  Well, I do.  As for now, I need to run, or rather get my but in gear and get my family ready for the day.  Just so you know, this whole paragraph was written in about five minutes.  Talk about coffee fingers.   Adios till tomorrow. 

The Observant Child

I think that almost every parent or soon to be parent has read or heard about how young children watch and mimic their parent's actions, movements, emotions, and speech patterns as a way of learning how to function in the world.   I am sure that almost every parent has heard how using iPhones or any other "smart" technology either in front of their children or to entertain their children will predispose them to use them more heavily later in life.   While I noticed how attentive our son was even from a very young age, it didn't become fully apparent how much he took in until he started to develop his own personality and begin to mimic what my wife and I do on a regular basis.  In short, young children are extremely quick learners, especially when allowed to explore the world sans technology.  I mentioned before how our son upon picking up a mini snow shovel for the first time started moving it like he was shoveling snow and actually going after a pile of snow to move it.   He started doing that after seeing me shovel snow only once.  That was all it took for him to absorb what he saw and translate it into a physical action that he could mimic.  At our chiropractor's office, it only took him watching the receptionist getting him a piece of blank paper to color on from the printer once to figure out where the paper was.  The next time he was in there, a week later, he went straight for the crayons after which he went for the printer where he knew there was paper.  The same goes for mixing soup with a spoon on the stove.  It only took him watching us mix the soup once for him to figure out what to do.  The next time I picked him when we were making soup, he went right for the plastic spoon on the counter, grabbed it, and started stirring the soup on his own (obviously under careful supervision to ensure he didn't get burned).  Young children are absolutely amazing when it comes to learning about the world around them.  To me, there is no better way for young children to learn how to operate in the world than to learn it first hand by watching others and trying it for themselves.  No amount of iPad or iPhone apps can teach them how to function in the world.   Even such a task as prepping the vegetables for soup can't be taught by technology.  Our son watched us put vegetables in the food processor once before wanting to grab the carrots, parsnips, and celery to do it himself while sitting on the counter.  Does he necessarily understand exactly what he is doing?  Probably not, but he is mimicking actions that we do, which in turn will lead to understanding later on. 

 

For our part, I must say that we have not entirely absconded from using our phones in front of our son, however, the percentage of time that we actually use our phones in front of him is probably around 1%...seriously.  I get calls about business all the time when I am with my son and none of them are ever important enough for me to pick up the phone and take my attention away from my son.  Whenever my phone does go off, (which I try to keep on silent when I am with him) he turns to me and looks for my reaction, to see what I do and how I will respond.   If I don't pick it up, he goes right back to whatever he was involved in, however, if I do pick it up, his attention will remain focused on what I am doing and be taken away from either his building blocks, putting a puzzle together, or flipping through a book.  Once I truly began noticing how attentive he was of everything I do, I became a little more cognizant of my own actions and how I acted in front of him.  Every time I think he is involved in his own little world and I glance over at him, he is staring at me, watching me, seeing how I act.  Even something as simple as chewing with my mouth closed.  There was one time at breakfast when I was watching him eat, he glanced over at me (which he often does) and when he glanced over his mouth was open while chewing.  Without my saying a word, he glanced at my closed mouth chewing food and his immediately closed till he was done with his bite of food.  It doesn't stay closed every time he chews, but if he notices me chewing with my mouth closed on a continual basis, I guarantee that he will be more likely to chew with his mouth closed as he grows older.  Its the overly simplistic actions that we carry out every day without thinking that matter most to young children.  Even the simple act of giving my wife a hug and a kiss in front of our son, showing my love for her and for him so he can see it and learn it will have an impact on him as he grows older.  What form of technology can teach a young child that?  None. 

 

I often wonder about children who grow up with technology persistently placed in front of them.  I wonder if they will ever have the chance to learn about the world on their own, to look beyond the screen and see how the world works without technology.  I wonder if they will ever enjoy the view of a sunset without needing to see it on their "screen" as well.  For all our over reliance on technology, it can still fail us.  If the power goes off due to a storm for an extended period of time, we will not be connected and what will those children do then.  I am betting a lot of them will freak out and not know what to do with themselves.  I could be wrong, but a big part of me thinks I am right on this one.  I am not saying that our son is better off, I just think it is important to learn about the world without technology before introducing it to them.  Which came first, the tree or the iPad?  I am pretty sure the tree came first and as such, the tree should be the first thing to be learned about first hand; the feel of the bark, the way the wind moves through the branches, the way the leaves come out every spring, grow, and then wither and die in the fall, the way a tree slowly expands as it grows, how to climb it.  Once these things are learned first hand, then we can introduce technology to teach children about the science behind it.  I believe we must first learn to be in awe of nature.  That is my take and a rare one these days I know, but I am sticking by it.  Our son will not be introduced to technology until it is absolutely necessary to do so.  Will he be behind a little bit in terms of learning how to use it?  Yes, but with all his first hand knowledge of watching others to learn how to use things, he should be a quick study when it comes to using computers and phones and what not.  Only time will tell how he will turn out, but for now, I will let his little observant nature persist and let him learn about the world at his own pace, through his own eyes, through his own mistakes and missteps.  It is not for me to shove it down his throat, it is for me to present it to him and let him absorb it as he can.  That is my take.